NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT. (Agencies) The scientific world is shocked today as Michael Zeller–a professor of physics at Yale who has been working at the Large Hadron Collider–reportedly misquoted the Star Trek tagline “Where no man has gone before” and, further shattering the Universe time-space fabric, attributed it to Star Wars:

“What did they say in ‘Star Wars’? We’re going where no man has ever been? Well, that’s where we’re going,” Zeller said in declarations to the Yale Daily News about the LHC first beam test last Wednesday. Professor Zeller helped create the zero degree calorimeter used in Atlas, one of the main experiments at CERN’s multi-billion dollar Large Hadron Collider.

“No that’s not where you are going, old man!” replied in a telephone interview with the Wichita Early Star a visibly angered William Shatner, “You are going to the cuckoo house, that’s where you are going! Where no man has ever been? Are you out of your mind? Have you had way too much Alvanian brandy yesterday? Did you forget your red pill? I can’t believe you are one of the guys in charge of that damn doomsday ring.”

Famed Captain Kirk impersonator and Gizmodo feature editor Wilson Rothman agreed: “Fo sho. Seriously dude, what was he thinking? Shat is right. Zeller probably needs to change the brandy for some Coors Light.” Carl Zweissweger–an engineer at Lockheed Martin who worked on the failed Mars Climate Orbiter–said that he now had serious doubts about the LHC experiment. “Look,” he declared “we may have got the Imperial units vs Metric units thing wrong, but at least we damn know that an Imperial Star Destroyer can kick the crap out of any stupid Federation spaceship.”

Indeed, many other experts are asking themselves how one of the contributors to the experiment that allegedly may find God’s particle can make such an error, introducing doubts about its validity and new safety concerns. “OK, let me say this again,” said Agent 1229, the anonymous physics aficionado who has been harassing Giz and scientists all over the world about the LHC attempts to destroy Earth. “You fuckers didn’t believe me before, you thought I was a fucking nutcase… actually I was starting to believe it myself, but now… now guess fucking what? I am right! How the fuck can we trust a nerdy scientist when he misquotes Star Trek and confuses it with Star Wars? You are all crazy! You!” he shouted. We couldn’t finish the interview with Agent 1229 because various policemen carried his cage back to the armoured truck as he muttered “we are fucking fucked, man… we are so fucking fucked.”

CERN didn’t return our calls, but speaking on condition of anonymity, Professor Mjölnevik–a physicist working at the Alice experiment–declared: “What? For shame. OK. I’m going back to bed.” [Yale Daily News]

Admiral Piett assured Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger that concerns the Death Star’s weapon systems would wreak havoc on much of the state were without merit, stating that damage to the city’s outlying areas would be minimal. Reached for comment from his bunker, Mayor Gavin Newsom pleaded to baffled reporters, “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you’re my only hope.” Rebel forces have yet to respond to demands for their unconditional surrender. [Current via Presurfer]

His Holiness is, apparently, satisfied with the purchase of the Sunnyvale, CA. smartphone manufacturer, and was looking forward to working with the current board of directors to expand Palm’s user base as soon as possible. “With a potential market of 1.131 billion Catholics in the World and countless others up there, we are confident we can quickly expand the company’s user base, leveraging their technology to offer new real-time confession services, virtual baptisms, and get more and more people in direct contact with God every day,” Pope Benedict XVI declared to over 300 journalists, today in Rome. “Besides, we have to stop the Anti-Christ. Yes, you know who I’m talking about. The one with the black turtleneck and his false JesusPhone.”

Asked about the role of Palm’s next -generation operating system in their plans—which has hit delay after delay in recent years—His Holiness admitted that the development team was in a bit of a rut. “Yes, we are going to need a miracle to get it out of the door, but I’m confident we will be able to arrange something on that front,” Pope Benedict XVI said while winking repeatedly at the press corps, making everyone a little bit uncomfortable.

For Palm, the deal with the Vatican may be their last chance in an increasingly competitive market: “being surrounded in the smartphone sector by heavyweights such as Apple and RIM, the Holy Church may be their only path to salvation… wait… hahahaha… see what I did? Path to salvation! Get it? Hrmm… never mind” declared Ryan Block, Editor-in-Chief of Engadget and rumoured future CEO of Motorola. However, asked why the Head of the Church had finally decided on Palm instead of another handset manufacturer, Block added that it didn’t make much sense. “Really, these people don’t have a clue about what they are doing. Infallible? Heck, I think they may need a new CEO themselves,” he said, just before walking out of the phone booth, grinning mysteriously, and, according to sources, muttering “Pope Block? Ryan Pope? Pope Ryan? I wonder what would look better on my business cards.”

The final price represents just a US$2 premium over Palm’s current US$5.80, although Securities and Exchange Commision representatives are now studying the value of the souls. “Given Wall Street’s deficit in that department, they may represent a hidden value that needs to be taken into consideration,” an SEC spokesperson declared, after his fifth drink in a Via Veniero café.

God was unavailable for comment.

NOTE: In case you are wondering, this is all fake—although Palm shareholders may be wishing the contrary. [PC World—Picture courtesy of Andy J.]

Apparently, the news ticker also pointed out that the new iPhone will have a 37-foot screen, but an official channel representative has confirmed to us that this was just a typo: “I think the guys from the news ticker really meant 3.7 inches,” the TV station’s night janitor said on a phone interview.

In relation to these breaking news, Jason Chen—Gizmodo’s senior associate editor—pointed out that he didn’t want to be disturbed while he was playing GTA IV. “Frack off!” he declared. [The Onion]

BSG Spoiler List

• Lightsabers will debut this season.
• Cylons build a fully armed and operational battle station. From a distance, it looks like a moon.
• A Colonial Raptor lands in a new planet and one of Galactica’s pilots gets attacked by some kind of bug that attaches to his face.
• Galactica flight deck crew install a new weapon in a Viper apparently called “Death Blossom.”
• Galactica has a problem with its heating system, but another Colonial Raptor lands in a forest planet to discover a large population of small, bear-like creatures living on trees. They kill them all and make nice coats for everyone in the ship. Colonist rejoice. Viewers too.
• In the final episode, we discover that President Roslin is really a lizzard with fake skin (that was a given, quite frankly.)
• Galactica then arrives to Earth, only to discover a world full of monkeys. They also kill them all.
• In the final scene, Starbuck and Apollo discover the hand and the head of big woman statue, made out of copper, coming out of a beach’s sand. They don’t know what the frack that means, but finally make love next to it.
• Starbuck discovers she’s Apollo’s sister.

Frack! Shine a Light and now this. Adrenaline is pumping out of my ears. [Video from io9]

“Heck yeah!” Apple CEO shouted at a reporter. “We can’t wait to see what our great clients and fantastic developers can do with that. Hahahahaha. Ha. OK, maybe we don’t actually want to see it, but you know what I mean.” Jobs said before leaving the room with a sightly pale green face, mumbling something that sounded remarkably similar to “no more cocktails made by Phil in the morning.”

According to sources, testing of the new system just finished a few days ago directed by Peter “Pit” Pinkerton (pictured above). He was the head of the test team in the London Apple Store at Regent Street.

Asked about how the system worked by a Daily Mirror reporter at his home in Islington, the octogenarian porn expert declined to comment under a non disclosure agreement with the Californian company. He only muttered “hehehehe. That Steve,” before closing the door of his beige one bedroom flat. It’s rumoured that Mr. Pinkerton was also a contributor to Gizmodo’s The Most Disgusting and Gross Tech Gear Gallery Ever and a personal friend of Jason Chen.

Jason Chen declined to comment for this article, citing the same NDA with Apple. [Flickr via iPhone Savior]

Notice: for the slower kids, yes, this is a sillypants post.

“We are not ruling out other possibilities,” said LAPD captain Mike Furillo, “there’s the microwave, the gas oven, the hairdryer, the water boiler, the butler and that huge stash of MDMA and Xanax.” He then proceeded to show the press what appeared to be sightly burned leather gloves in a plastic bag. “And then we have these. We found them in the living room with the initials O.J. on them. Can you believe it? Can you see the pattern here? Can you? Huh? Huh?” while winking repeatedly at the press waiting outside Hello Kitty’s apartment block.

Japanese-born Kitty, 34, whose real name was Janice Lindeblower, was found naked, her body charred on the kitchen floor next to dead boyfriend Badtz Badtz Maru, 31, who had the same injuries, according to LA County coroner Jim Exposito. Both were pronounced dead at the scene. Asked about the possible cause of death, Exposito said that “the first clues point out to an electrical problem. Apparently the microwave went into some kind ultra-powerful cycle. Almost demonic. Yeah. That’s it. I bet they were demons or something.” According to Engadget editor Ryan Block, this is highly improbable: “a non-ionizing 2.45 GHz electromagnetic waves emitter consumer-oriented device like this won’t kill people unless their cavity magnetrons have been tampered with, for what the IEEE specifies as military radar definitions, that is, 30 to 300GHz waves. These guys need to learn how to do their jobs.”

Two cross-sections from Hello Kitty autopsy. One with roasted pineapple. Gross.

Famed Hello Kitty expert and Digg editor Kevin Rose was sad to hear the news. “I’m sad to hear the news,” Rose said via radio-link from his yacht in the Mediterranean, “my story with Kitty goes a long way back, even if our relationship went a little cold when she met that penguin. No pun intended.”

In a phone call later today, close friend of Kitty and LOLcats Inc.’s VP of Marketing Lady Fatouche declared: “o the tearz. Firs Chandler now Kitty. Wear iz we goin to do wiz no Kitty? Dis terribl sad newz. Terribl.”

Hello Kitty left no heirs to her $58 billion fortune, composed by several estates, intellectual property portfolios, Apple stock and, reportedly, the biggest collection of pink sex toys in the world. According to unnamed sources, erotic novels auteur Jason Chen, who had a brief affair with la Kitty during the 90s, may claim his rights over her assets. “Or at least, her sex toys collection,” Mr. Chen said in a note sent from his San Francisco, California, 5,380-square-foot triplex bachelor pad. “And her bras.” [Hello Kitty Hell]