Mr. Skin has mentioned this new ability before the expose in the current issue of The New Yorker, including in an episode of Doug Benson’s fantastic podcast, I Love Movies. Basically, the higher resolution makes what was once a blur visible. In Fleshbot’s words:

Where once there was but a dark shadow, now we’re presented with bush (or at least more boobage). Where…no, actually, that’s pretty much the end of the story.

We certainly hope Mr. Skin is getting a kickback from Sony for all the Blu-ray promotion. His love of the format has certainly gotten me more interested in this wondrous bush-revealing technology. [Fleshbot]

Keep it tasteless 1984. I’ve got no idea what fine publication this appeared in, but it looks like the sales came out of Mission, Kansas. And no, the 1800 number no longer works.

How much would this ultimate conversation piece have set you back? Just $US75, including shipping which takes 3-6 weeks. That’s an insane $US150 bucks today. I wonder how many they sold… [Paco Camino and LiveJournal via CopyRanter]

I’m all for naughty, oh-come-treat-me-like-a-bad-girl-tonight scraps of lace. What I’m not such a fan of is trashy oh-come-follow-me-using-the-built-in-GPS lingerie. I don’t care if it’s pretty, frilly designer lingerie. It’s got a damn tracking system embedded in the fabric.

Designed by Lucia Lorio, the fashion line is dubbed “Find Me If You Can”, but how could you not find someone when they’re running around with a pager-sized GPS device sewn into a bodice? While the fact that it would be impossible to not notice the gadget makes me laugh off the whole paranoia of jealous men using this as a sneaky way to keep tabs on their lovers, I still think it’s a ridiculous design. Why you would spend between $US1200 and $US1600 for something intended to be ripped off a body. [The Age via GizmoWatch]

As you’ll see, existing innovations take our tongues, fingers, vulvas and penises to the next level. But the future of sex augmentations appears to lie in biometrics and in networking. Soon toys will learn from and interact with our bodies’ responses, with or without a partner, while teledildonics will help people separated by vast distances get closer (and wetter).

Tongue, Extended
Whoever made women’s genitals certainly made them tricky to stimulate — especially orally. Enter the Tongue Joy, a vibrating tongue enhancement to help human tongues do what no human can in terms of sensation and endurance. Strap the silicone-banded vibe on your tongue (or, if your tongue is pierced, use the barbell piercing attachment) and proceed with awesome. It’s battery operated and comes with multiple band sizes in case you want to strap it around something bigger. Four silicone sleeve attachments enhance the size and texture of the vibrating yummy-ness. Lovely for oral sex on a man, too, particularly those who are into hummers that aren’t cars.

Bionic Fingers
The vibrating three-finger power pack and glove by Fukuoku enhance the size and function of one’s digits, transforming your fingers into vibrators that run at up to 45,000vpm (that would be vibes per minute). They’re more particularly cyborg-y than most sex toys, if that’s your thing. (Ahem, Malebots subscribers!)

Unnatural Male Enhancement
The Ride On (pun intended) blows most penis extenders (pun not intended) out of the water. It’s more comfortable, less bulky and stays on in more positions than other models — all while fulfilling its purpose of enhancing the size and function of a man’s penis. Function? Yes. Some men use these not for length or girth but to keep having sex during half time. Available from Vixens Creations, the Ride On gets men around that annoying “refractory period” that is the curse of many a man’s sexistence. It’s also useful for men with severe or chronic erectile dysfunction (ED) who want in.

Electronic Condoms?
Given the perception that condoms may reduce sensation, sex-loving scientists have been proposing vibrating condom designs since at least the 1990s. Given the enormous improvements in vibrators since then, it’s unclear what a vibrating condom — if ever brought to market — would ultimately look like. Will it have an awkward external wire and power pack like the one in this 1995 patent image? (Here’s a PDF of the actual patent.) Or will it be built into the condom itself as thin as a Band-Aid as in my dreams? The design will have to depend on functionality: The vagina is not as sensitive as a woman’s vulva (clitoris, labia, etc) so the value of a vibrating shaft may be more for a man than his partner. That is, unless it vibrates at the base by a woman’s vaginal opening or clitoris, like the Trojan Vibrating Ring or the Bo — a favourite.

The Hydraulic Penis
As potentially borgy as it is, this pre-Viagra augmentation is for now only available for men with ED that is unlikely to respond to medication or sex therapy. This type of penile implant lets men pump themselves into an erect state whenever they want — note that pump in the scrotum — and deflate on command. There’s none of those scary erections lasting longer than four hours that we hear about in longer-lasting-sex commercials. Though many men may dream of having this much control over their erections, the ones who use this do it as a last resort. Once it’s been in use for a while, some men lose their natural erectile reflex because their body no longer has to work at it. Moral of the story: Enjoy what you’ve got.

Hymen Again
Fake hymens give the illusion that one is going where no man has gone before. One option is a hymenoplasty — a surgical procedure that “restores” a woman’s hymen. This is a rare procedure in Western countries, but is performed increasingly elsewhere, often for women who who feel they need to prove their virginity to their fiancé or his family lest they risk shame or, scarily, even violence. Sometimes, the operation is requested by women who want to give their partner the “gift” of taking their virginity, like as an anniversary gift (for serious — and to think I’d go with golf clubs or a satnav).

There is a mail-order product that a woman places inside her vagina which simulates the loss of virginity, fake blood and all. Gigimo’s Artificial Virginity Hymen, has come under fire by some Egyptian politicians, who even called for a ban on it. Meanwhile, women everywhere are still calling for an end to practices that insist they “prove” their virginity to anyone or anything. On a different note, a quick word to Gigimo: When you write that you can “have your first night back anytime”, does that include the awkward fumbling, 20-second staying power, and the two weeks of worrying about being pregnant?

Biometrics: Gadgets That Get You
I’ve seen (dreamed?) the future of sex toys and It. Is. Awesome. Ideas are swirling about how to create sex toys that rely on digital biometrics. No, we’re not talking fingerprint-activated toys that prevent women’s husbands from getting curious when they’re home alone. We’re talking about products that respond to vaginal temperature, pelvic contractions leading up to orgasm, heart rate, even pelvic blood flow. Sexual Aids of the Future may be able to learn a person’s sexual response and alter stimulation patterns based on the data.

Maybe there will eventually be a gadget that will help men to last longer (so long, baseball!) or women to come more quickly. Maybe it will build sexual tension in such a lovely way that pleasure and orgasm are on the “better than average” side of the mountain more often than not. The technology is there, the ideas are there, all it takes is execution, I’m betting sooner rather than later. When the day of biometrically enhanced stimulation comes, I guarantee we will wake ‘n gadget with more than our iPhones.

Teledildonics: Long-Distance Yearning
Though most sex toys enhance in-person play, some toys facilitate sex between people separated by oceans. Take the PenisTron, for example, which looks and probably feels (thanks to vacuum effects) like a Fleshlight version of a vagina — and it can be controlled, tightened or slowed to a seductive drag by a man’s partner out in the ether to simulate the two of them having sex.

There’s also the Communication Hole Rider (which involves vacuum effects) and the Joystick (vacuum effects on the penis and a joystick up the butt) — all which can help to connect two people for interactive sex play.

It’s not sex with a toy; it’s sex with a person via a toy: big difference. Sure, you miss out on the kissing. (The mostly male sex-toy designers never seem to create toys that make out with you, except for some freaky robot girlfriends.) On the other hand, there’s no risk of infection or pregnancy when you’re doing it teledildonically.

My dream for teledildonics is that we eventually fine-tune toys to produce more variety and transitions. IRL sex tends to move, for example, from sucking (vacuum effects) to licking (hey there, Sqweel) to mouth kissing (freaky robot girlfriend) to intercourse (vacuum again) to hand play (toned-down version of the Fukuako glove) or whatever else you’re into (furniture play?). And if it were me playing with a partner over the internet I’d want to touch, to kiss, to lick, to play in varied teasing ways — not just yank their junk with the PenisTron (though it’s a good start). Who’s with me?

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The centre for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

This week, Gizmodo is exploring the enhanced human future in a segment we call This Cyborg Life. It’s about what happens when we treat our body less as a sacred object and more as what it is: Nature’s ultimate machine.

Based on my non-existent Chinese skills, I managed to understand that this inflatable bra makes boobs big, BIG, BIG. And I guess there are odd sound effects and things looking firmer? Can someone please watch this commercial and translate for me?

I just really need to know whether the voice-over guy or the girl with the measuring tape are included with the purchase or sold separately.

The sad truth is that you’ve never experienced Vatsyayana’s Kama Sutra until you’ve had it read to you by the Kindle’s text-to-speech option. You’re welcome…

There are dozens and dozens of pictures of tits and arses shamelessly pressed against copy machine glass over at Vice, but I’ve sifted through them to pick out some prime examples of office pornography and the nine corresponding basic lessons about life.

Lesson 1: Carry Anti-Bacterial Wipes

There are a lot of germs around and they tend to build up on frequently used surfaces such as phones, keyboards, and of course, copy machines. Do you really want to carelessly touch that? Besides, those wipes are handy for a quick cleanup.

Lesson 2: Get Strange Skin Issues Checked Out

See that odd little mark on the underboob? It could be a bad copy job, an innocent beauty mark, or a malignant skin condition. Don’t take odd things like that lightly. (Especially if you encounter them a bit further south)

Lesson 3: Remove Your Watch Before Things Get Too Wild

As someone with long hair, I know the pain of getting your head yanked back because a curl got wrapped around a watch. Just take a second and slip off the timepiece, please. (Leave the socks on though, they’re kinda cute.)

Lesson 4: Know Your Size and Wear It

Whether bra or condom, learn what size you need to wear and actually wear it. Your naughty bits will thank you.

Lesson 5: Pack Spare Undies

They barely take up any extra space, but good God are there times you’ll wish you packed another pair of comfy boxers or an extra naughty bit of lace.

Lesson 6: Learn To Appreciate and Criticise Art

Whether you do it by taking an art class, brushing up on photography, or even just taking the occasional moment to enjoy the simple beauty of symmetry in nature, there’s just something about knowing how to properly appreciate and criticise art that’ll better you as a person.

Lesson 7: Lend A Hand To Those In Need

Be it assisting someone in staying on top of a copy machine or curing diseases, I firmly believe that good deeds make the world go ’round. And if nothing else, you’ll at least feel a bit more warm and tingly inside afterward.

Lesson 8: Plausible Deniability Is Your Friend

This gal has lesson eight down pat, I can’t even call her a hussy. She’s so cute and it looks like there weren’t any chairs left at the office party. Could be a complete accident that her skirt got hiked up so high.

Lesson 9: Unless Your Name Is Adam Frucci, Don’t Hump Gadgets

We can disagree about everything else, but I think there’s no argument about the fact that this gentleman is definitely doin’ it wrong and requires lessons which can only be taught by Adam.

Now that you’ve gotten a few lessons from this copy machine mischief, go see the rest of the photos at Vice and get a report of what else you learn on my desk by tomorrow. [Vice — Thanks, Joel!]

This video, a vintage “introduction to the internet” from the early 90s or thereabouts, features the line “What’s a webpage? Something ducks walk on?” If that doesn’t convince you to watch this hilarious, mysteriously-filled-with-pixelated-porno masterpiece, I don’t know what will.

I have preserved the lyrics of the opening song for posterity’s sake:

On your mark, get set!
We’re riding on the internet!
Cyberspace, set free, hello virtual reality!
Interact with appetite! Searchin’ for a website!
A window to the world, got to get online!
Take a spin, now you’re in with the techno-set!
You’re goin’ surfin’ on the internet!

Elmore Leonard once said that a writer only gets 10 exclamation points to use in his life, so he’d better use them wisely. I just used eight and I am 100 per cent confident that it was the right decision. I love this video more than Steve Jobs loves turtlenecks. I love it more than a night of drinking and installing. The world is a sunnier and happier place with this video in it. Enjoy your night. [Videogum]