I brought an ancient and non-functioning Mac to the Apple Store in the Meatpacking District in NYC, and this is what happened.

Overall, they were surprisingly unfazed by my request for repairs. They were impressed that I had it, and seemed genuinely interested in helping me get it fixed. They couldn’t do anything for me, since Apple only keeps equipment from the last five years on hand, but they pointed me towards Tekserve, another Apple-centric store in NYC.

Thanks to Blakeley from Gawker.tv for shooting the hidden camera footage!

1. iMacs Get Next-Gen Processors
The most important upgrade to iMacs is that they’ll now support Intel Core i5 and i7 processors for prices starting at $US1500. You can buy a Core 2 Duo for less, but…I mean…really?

2. The iMac Is a Cheap Monitor, By Apple’s Standards
A 30-inch Cinema Display will still run you $US1800 while a new 27-inch iMac starts at $US1700. Oh, and the iMac can work simply work as a monitor now through mini DisplayPort, too.

3. Apple Sees the Mac Mini as a Server, Not an HTPC
Apple may have given the Mac Mini a slight spec boost and the option to load Leopard Server, but it still missing the critical feature it needs to be a competitive home theatre PC—the HDMI port.

4. New Metal Remote Looks Like an iPod Design Reject
For those who couldn’t stand the humiliation of using a white, plastic remote with their black-and-silver iMac, there’s a remote for that.

5. Replaceable Batteries Are Dead in Apple’s Entire Laptop Line
The trusty old white MacBook was holding out, battling designers’ attempts to replace its swappable battery with a longer-life non-swappable version you see in every other modern Apple laptop. Today, it lost that battle.

6. Apple Still Hates Buttons, Nubs, Etc
The multitouch Magic Mouse has risen over the Mighty Mouse’s corpse, and as Jesus points out, the whole no-button design is déjà vu.

7. Jobs’ Polycarbonate MacBook Must Have Slipped Off His Lap
Not only is Apple keeping the white MacBook around, they’ve added a non-slip rubber bottom in what may be the most aggressive design change since May 16, 2006, when the model original launched.

8. Time Capsules Should Be 60 Per Cent Less Frustrating
Anyone who’s grown tired of the ridiculously slow experience of interfacing with the Time Capsule, know that Time Capsules have seen a tacit spec boost promising to make systems “60 percent faster than before”.

9. Jonathan Ive Could Still Sell a Ketchup Popsicle to a Fanboy in White Gloves
Also of note, sales on Hanes midnight blue tees are going through the roof, and big muscles don’t make you look dumb so long as you speak with an Essex-region English accent.

10. No, the Nook Is Not an Apple Product
But it’s about a bajillion times closer than the Kindle.

The earnings call starts in 25 minutes, and we’ll be bringing it to you live.

There’s some funky accounting going on now with some new accounting guidelines that lets them officially recognise the revenue from an iPhone, iPod touch and Apple TV (stuff they’ve been reporting revenue from over 24-month periods previously), so that’s something to watch for over the next quarter or so. Business Insider explains what all that means.

Apple Reports Fourth Quarter Results

Most Profitable Quarter Ever; Record Mac and iPhone Sales

CUPERTINO, Calif. Oct. 19 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ — Apple® today announced financial results for its fiscal 2009 fourth quarter ended September 26, 2009. The Company posted revenue of $US9.87 billion and a net quarterly profit of $US1.67 billion, or $US1.82 per diluted share. These results compare to revenue of $US7.9 billion and net quarterly profit of $US1.14 billion, or $US1.26 per diluted share, in the year-ago quarter. Gross margin was 36.6 percent, up from 34.7 percent in the year-ago quarter. International sales accounted for 46 percent of the quarter’s revenue.

In accordance with the subscription accounting treatment required by GAAP, the Company recognises revenue and cost of goods sold for iPhone™ and Apple TV® over their estimated economic lives. Adjusting GAAP sales and product costs to eliminate the impact of subscription accounting, the corresponding non-GAAP measures* for the quarter are $US12.25 billion of “Adjusted Sales” and $US2.85 billion of “Adjusted Net Income.”

Apple sold 3.05 million Macintosh® computers during the quarter, representing a 17 percent unit increase over the year-ago quarter. The Company sold 10.2 million iPods during the quarter, representing an eight percent unit decline from the year-ago quarter. Apple sold 7.4 million iPhones in the quarter, representing seven percent unit growth over the year-ago quarter.

“We are thrilled to have sold more Macs and iPhones than in any previous quarter,” said Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO. “We’ve got a very strong lineup for the holiday season and some really great new products in the pipeline for 2010.”

“We are delighted with our September quarter and fiscal 2009 results,” said Peter Oppenheimer, Apple’s CFO. “For the full year, we grew revenue by 12 percent and net income by 18 percent in extraordinarily challenging times. Looking ahead to the first fiscal quarter of 2010, we expect revenue in the range of about $US11.3 billion to $US11.6 billion and we expect diluted earnings per share in the range of about $US1.70 to $US1.78.”

Apple will provide live streaming of its Q4 2009 financial results conference call utilizing QuickTime®, Apple’s standards-based technology for live and on-demand audio and video streaming. The live webcast will begin at 2:00 p.m. PDT on October 19, 2009 at www.apple.com/quicktime/qtv/earningsq409/ and will also be available for replay for approximately two weeks thereafter.

Hellboy, Buffy and a bunch of other Dark Horse IPs are now available in GelaSkin form (heck, there’s even some Bettie Page thrown in there for good measure). iPhone skins go for $US15 while 13- and 15-inch MacBook/general laptop skins cost $US30.

You’ve likely seen the iconic art before, but that’s alright. I could stare at Sarah Michelle Gellar’s estranged cousin for days.

[Dark Horse via Lost at E Minor]

A new version of the software has been developed specifically for Mac users and it’s scheduled to hit the toobs tomorrow at 1pm (EDT) from www.blackberry.com/mac

BlackBerry Desktop Manager Software also integrates BlackBerry Media Sync, enabling Mac users to sync their iTunes music collections with their BlackBerry. The software is designed to run on Mac computers with Mac OS 10.5.5 and higher and supports BlackBerry smartphones running BlackBerry OS 4.2 and higher.

Needless to say, the execution on this concept chessboard leaves something to be desired, but the idea has potential. I can see a whole series of Mac vs PC board games springing from this. So, who killed Mac with the wrench in the library? (Psst…it’s probably PC.) [Coroflot via Waylou via Craziest Gadgets via SlipperyBrick]