Let’s just get this first one out of the way: Not only does the Head Spa Massager look like someone in the 1970s designed it in a future-Sparta fashion, but it’s a massage helmet. You look ridiculous, and it can’t even secretly double as a sexual aid.

This handsome silver fox has it going on. I mean, he’s talking to a sexy lady, and a power call could easily come through his Bluetooth earpiece at any moment, right? Nope, he fooled you! He’s hard of hearing, and that’s just his Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. (I laughed when I first saw this, but now it just makes me sad.)

Every cyborg I know of has a head-mounted camera, and since this 5-megapixel Digital Camera Swim Mask is only good for 4.5m depth (that is, snorkelling or swimming pools), you might as well make the most of it and wear it on dry land too! Even has a cyborg-friendly LED that shines inside the mask, to let your friends know who’s part robot tell you when you’re shooting.

If sci-fi tells us anything, it’s that the bionic man (or woman) has great posture. Thankfully, the Posturetek Biofeedback System — it’s a shirt, but they call it a system — “senses incorrect posture and gently encourages posture correction”. My assumption is that it doesn’t use sharp spikes or electric shocks, but it’s still a tad sinister.

Snore correction makes up approximately 94 per cent of SkyMall revenue, but only one, the SnorePro Snore Relief Device, attaches to your wrist and sends a “biofeedback digital pulse” when the log sawing kicks in. (Can you imagine having a business card with the word SnorePro emblazoned on it? Would that be awful or awesome?)

When you embark on the man-machine merger, it makes sense to complement some of that silicon with silicone, if you catch my drift. Hell, you got so much going on, nobody’s going to notice that you’ve shoved some Body Figure Enhancing Pads down your pants. Well, they’ll notice, but not in a bad way.

What good is the cyborg life if it doesn’t permit you to jump higher, run faster, have more energy, appear two inches taller and “look like a million dollars”? The Gravity Defyers (spelling lessons sold separately) have been tempting travellers for ages with those very promises. Besides, its patented spring-loaded sole is found on no other shoe in the world pretty much ever, for some reason.

Locutus of Borg wasn’t much of a jumper — his footwear of choice skewed toward the comfort-illumination lines. That’s why he swore by the Brightfeet Lighted Slippers. They’re just the thing to slip on when you’re making the midnight trek from the regeneration chamber to the cube pissoir.

This week, Gizmodo is exploring the enhanced human future in a segment we call This Cyborg Life. It’s about what happens when we treat our body less as a sacred object and more as what it is: Nature’s ultimate machine.

You can bust out “I Love Rock n’ Roll” on this power-chord-friendly guitar tee, but by the time you do, all the reasons you set out to learn guitar in the first place will be gone. [ThinkGeek via ChipChick]

The 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt is sort of an update to the “I’m with stupid” motif of yore, accommodating for RFID technology and 80s nostalgia.

Should you be away from a loved one for too long, you won’t literally (OK, figuratively) die, as a minimum of 2 1/2 hearts are always filled. But if you’d like to take your relationship to the next level, literally, (OK, sorta figuratively again), the shirts run about $US50 per pair. [ThinkGeek via Offworld]

If you’ve enjoyed the repetition of Flight of the Conchords’ camera phone joke, you may also enjoy this $US15 t-shirt that’s either a clever allusion or a blatant rip-off. [snorgtees via Fashionably Geek]

Philips senior scientist Paul Lemmens and a team of researchers have devised a jacket—but sorry dudes, no matching pants—that augments your emotions with gentle nudges, squeezes and taps. The point? To cause “a shiver to go up the viewer’s spine and creating the feeling of tension in the limbs,” Lemmens told IEEE Spectrum, on the eve of the World Haptics Conference where he’s presenting the jacket.

Lemmens says that during a Bruce Lee fight scene, the jacket can pulse with the gu-goong gu-goong gu-goong of an elevated heartbeat. (All good, until you remember that Bruce Lee’s heart rate never went above 42 beats per minute his whole life.)

The jacket’s versatile fondling techniques come from 64 actuators, clustered in groups of four along different parts of the torso and arms—eight in each sleeve, for instance. They are low-powered enough to be run on two AA batteries for an hour, but hopefully they’ll make room for more batteries, since the average movie is over 2 hours, including trailers. The signals to pinch your arm, tighten your chest, or sooth your back would come from the film itself, kinda like how those D-Box motion chairs follow pre-determined cues that are synced with the action on the screen.

I’m willing to buy into the argument that a little more physical interaction would heighten my emotional appreciation of a movie, but I just can’t help feeling it’s the premise of a corny but terrifying episode of The Outer Limits? [IEEE Spectrum]

The Price: $US139

The Verdict: OMG warm! Although not as fitted or high quality as the Ardica jackets, which have padded battery packs and clothing designed by people who specialize in fashion like Mountain Hardware, Blazewear isn’t meant for the same purpose, and is a lot more affordable. And very warm, as I said!

Wearing a thermal I took some heat gun ratings of my core and the vest at settings 1 through 5. Setting 1 is very toasty, and lasts about 3-5 hours, with 5 lasting far less than that. Here are the ratings and my level of comfort.

Setting 1: Vest temperature of 43.3 degrees C, skin temperature at my chest of 33.9. Warm
Setting 3: Vest temperature of 54.4, skin temperature at my chest of 35. Slightly sweaty, body trying to cool itself.
Setting 5: Vest temperature of 65.6, skin temperature at my chest of 37.2. Uncomfortably warm.

I took these measurements at room temperature, after 15 minutes on each setting, but you could feel the heat changes within seconds. The higher settings seem unnecessary but in cold environments, I’d be glad to have them. The extra heat also works to penetrate thicker clothing, too, like shirts and sweaters. The vest’s three heat panels are on the back (a large rectangle) and on the flank of the zipper on the front (two smaller strips). The heat was sometimes spotty, on account of the fit being not exactly snug. In fact, the vest’s fit is a little on the big side, so good for larger Americans. And the synthetic materials seemed to breath well. When the vest was off, it offered little or no additional warming, fwiw, so you won’t want to depend on this jacket when its powered down.

Although Blazewear has outerjackets and gloves, I tested this one because it seemed to be the most capable of being used with your existing jackets and clothing, which you’ve probably chosen because they also look nice. The vest is meant for sporting, but I declined to use it for snowboarding simply because of two reasons: the battery pack rests on my hip, and would be very painful to fall on, and although it would be nice to adjust the vest’s heat output electronically as I went from the chair to moving, the control are on the battery, which is in a pocket and inaccessible. I wouldn’t be willing to unzip and reach inside two layers and a pocket to do so. If I was going for an outdoor activity jacket, I’d get an Ardica, but I’d have to spend a lot more money, too.

The cost, though, is very reasonable. And I’ve fallen asleep wearing it on cold days on the couch, wearing only it and no blanket. For those who are cold and want unbeatable warmth that is electronically generated, I’d recommend this vest for those on a tighter budget who want to wear it while commuting or hanging around.

[Blazewear]

This DIY project involves sacrificing a musical toy and fitting its buttons within several layers of fabric and foam within a bra. (From our limited experience, the more layers of foam, the more striking the instruments become.) A battery around the bra’s back clasp powers the speaker in the front.

Then, by poking at various spots on your partner’s boobs, you can make beautiful music together. And don’t let her complain about the noise. You’re an artist. [Instructables via Slashgear]

During warm weather, the coat can be folded and strapped around the wearer as a backpack for easy transport. When it’s time to set up camp, the interior lining can be stretched out and pegged—creating a private, protective cocoon. Again, it’s only a concept at this point—but I’ve watched enough Survivorman and Man vs. Wild to know that something like this could be useful in the real world. [Coroflot via Core77]

[CollegeHumor]