No ridiculous TwitterPeek in their worst five, but it’d sure be on mine. What would be on yours? Check out Time’s great walk-through of its 50 top inventions at: [TIME]

Time’s Five Worst Inventions:
1. Draconian electronic “Smile Checks” for Japanese railway workers who get alerted if they’re not perky enough.
2. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Coming soon as a graphic novel, apparently.
3. Snuggies for Dogs. Screw that, how about all Snuggies in general.
4. The Gas-Mask Bra. It’s real and one of the award-winning inventions from this year’s quirky Ig Novel Awards.
5. Computers being used in the UK to automatically mark student’s essays. Yeah that one sucked.

Yes, this ludicrous item consists of a green bra that transforms into a putting green, with the cups turning into holes. Sink a putt and a speaker says “Nice shot!” There’s also a skirt that turns into a flag that says “Be Quiet” on it, for keeping onlookers hushed while you golf next to a naked woman.

What I like about the whole getup is how practical it is. [Pink Tentacle via Tokyo Mango]

While according to studies done on pigs, the entire procedure was safe and caused no internal damage, I somehow wouldn’t trust something as precious as my boobs to the Cup&Up. Line up for other procedures that worked in animals, but please just stick to wrapping bras around your breasts. [Isreal21c via MedGadget]

Based on my non-existent Chinese skills, I managed to understand that this inflatable bra makes boobs big, BIG, BIG. And I guess there are odd sound effects and things looking firmer? Can someone please watch this commercial and translate for me?

I just really need to know whether the voice-over guy or the girl with the measuring tape are included with the purchase or sold separately.

Apparently, you wear it while sleeping and it magically moulds your boobs to their round and perky potential. Interesting, but what they really need to make is a man bra that moulds breast fat into something that looks like muscular pecs. [Tokyo Times]

The brassiere is one of the award-winning bits of science and invention from this year’s quirky, eccentric and downright entertaining Ig Nobel Awards. These awards are, in the words of organiser Improbable Research, a celebration of achievements that “make people laugh and think”. A laundry list of past “winners” from The National reads like this:

In 2001, the physics award was given to Dr. David Schmidt for his research into why shower curtains often to blow inwards. In 2005, a team from Keio University won for “training pigeons to discriminate between the paintings of Picasso and Monet”.

Dr. Deborah Anderson, also a former winner, was on hand this year to remind everyone about the effectiveness of Coca-Cola as a spermicide. To conclude, she was allowed seven words to describe her area of expertise—contraception—in detail: “Male contraception. Sheath it or beat it.”

Cranking It to 11 — With Science! This year at Harvard’s Sanders theatre the awards show didn’t let up, with the aforementioned brassiere winning in the Public Health category. Why public health? Well, aside from providing support, the bra doubles as a life-saving gas mask; one that could be handy should a biological attack strike somewhere soon, like the unmentionables department at Macy’s.

I kid, but this brassiere seriously works. Those D cups are the brainchild of the voluptuous Dr. Elena Bodnar of Illinois (by way of the Ukraine, backside pictured, above); and Raphael Lee and Sandra Marijan, both of Chicago. Bodnar passed on giving a big speech, and instead gave the audience a live demo. Her “volunteers” were a handful of Nobel laureates assembled on the stage, including Krugman. By the end of the demo, she had removed multiple bra gas masks from under her shirt and no fewer than four Nobel laureates were protected from chemical attack thanks to a hot pink layer of satin.

Brilliant Insanity Ensues The rest of the night was, sadly, light on gadgets, but it did manage to get this cynical blogger to laugh pretty consistently.

There was a four act banker’s opera (left); there were impromptu science experiments; and there were two Mexicans who managed to create diamond film from tequila. There was a researcher from Kitasato University who reduced Japanese household waste by 90% thanks to bacteria found in panda shit.

Acceptance speeches were brief, and if they weren’t, an eight-year-old girl was on hand to interrupt the winners and move things along. Benoit Mandelbrot, the man who invented fractals, gave a 60-second keynote, was interrupted by the girl, and then sat down to play poker. Onstage.

All told, the event was a trip, and I encourage any of my Boston brethren to see it at Harvard next year for their 20th anniversary. If you do, then you too will know exactly what 1000 paper aeroplanes descending from the rafters to pelt the stage below looks like first hand.

Editors Note: The official Ig Nobel awards video goes live soon at Improbable TV. Check it out.

$15.17 AUD (plus $7.79 AUD shipping) gets you two battery-powered inserts.

Features from the site:

* Quickly improve, firm and increase your bust.
* Electronic Breast Enhancer Enlargement Massager Vibration.
* Inserts Breast Massager into your bra and gently massage your breasts to against age and gravity to help your breasts healthy.
* Most women wear Electronic Breast Enhancer at home, initially, just a half hour per day and then as required by seeing the results.
* The soft vibration was enjoyable for the women who have trailed the bra insert, which is have a small battery powered device built into it. ( each piece only powered by a AG13 cell )
* Dimensions: 9.3 x 4 x 0.4cm
* Color: picture show
* Weight: 119.9g

[Uxsight via RedFerret]

The integrated memory foam bra reshapes under the influence of heat to enhance cleavage, making a woman more desirable when she’d like to be desirable. Or, you know, when she’s just a little sweaty.

There are, of course, a million ways this plan can backfire. Imagine talking to your attractive boss at a party, feeling your breasts balloon into your chin and then realising that, right beside him, stands his loving wife and children. Her breasts, activated with the heat of rage instead of desire, swell as well.

Soon, every woman’s breasts in the company have enlarged to personal flotation device territory with the eligible bachelors in attendance having no clue which set of breasts is an invitation and which is but a coyly disguised land mine.

If you’re ready for this quasi-arousing social experiment that is Man’s future, the bra will be available in the UK this summer for about $US40. [Lisca via The Sun]

The garment’s described objective is to allow marriage-minded women to essentially wear their ambitions, with a chest-mounted countdown clock (to what?) , pen and seal holster (for signing marriage contracts), and a ring receptacle that beeps “The Wedding March” when filled.

The whole assemblage looks like it would attract more unsolicited boob-touches than marriage proposals, but boob-touching is a known precursor to matrimony. Fact. In other news, somewhere in a quiet suburb of Tokyo, a retired feminism professor just swallowed a gun.

Since it’s not currently up for sale, and because it’s, well, patently ridiculous, the bra is a jokey publicity stunt more than anything else. But that didn’t stop Japanese news outlets from covering it to death, as seen below. As the old saying goes, “If it bleeds involves semi-nude women, it leads.” [Reuters via Japanprobe]

This DIY project involves sacrificing a musical toy and fitting its buttons within several layers of fabric and foam within a bra. (From our limited experience, the more layers of foam, the more striking the instruments become.) A battery around the bra’s back clasp powers the speaker in the front.

Then, by poking at various spots on your partner’s boobs, you can make beautiful music together. And don’t let her complain about the noise. You’re an artist. [Instructables via Slashgear]