HBO’s Game of Thrones is an intense and gripping series that takes no prisoners. These people betray, murder, and zombify each other ad nauseam. They don’t know how else to spend their time. And since Westeros doesn’t have consoles or wifi, our beloved heroes (and villains) can’t buck the system with a few harmless cheats. That’s where we come in.
I’ve chosen to take some of Game of Thrones’ more memorable tragedies and give them a little assistance.
Imagine how much more at peace the Seven Kingdoms would be if Jon Snow’s direwolf had been replaced with a velociraptor? Or if Theon Greyjoy had enacted Goldeneye 007’s Big-Head mode on Ser Rodrick, making it easier to decapitate the target? Hell, having a Game Genie would fix just about every conflict in Westeros. Well, except for “Hold the Door.” We need a special cheat for that one.
Problem: Bran Gets Pushed Out a Window
Solution: Moon Bounce
When we think of major events in Game of Thrones, our minds usually jump to Ned Stark’s execution or the Red Wedding. Don’t get me wrong, those are majorly important — and we’re going to fix them. But, the first major event that signified what kind of series Game of Thrones was going to be happened at the end of the very first episode, when Brandon Stark caught Jaime and Cersei Lannister boning, and Jaime reacted by tossing Bran from a very high window.
Apart from the murder of Jon Arryn, which happened offscreen, the push is the first major cataclysmic event in the series, leading almost every major character on a journey that continues to this day. But screw that…let’s give Bran the ability to fly. In Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, there’s a cheat code for Moon Bounce that lets players float around like they’re on the moon. They might use it for sweet tricks, but Bran could use it to soften his landing.
Problem: Ned Stark Gets Beheaded
Solution: Tiny Bond
Man, it really sucked when Ned Stark died. Cersei Lannister and Joffrey the Little Shit continued their reign of terribleness, while the one person who could’ve helped save the entire realm from utter disaster was forcibly separated from his head. This problem is easy to fix: Enact Tiny Bond mode from Goldeneye 007, shrinking Ned Stark to half his height. Can’t decapitate him if his head suddenly shifts three feet to the left, right?
Problem: Daenerys Spends Too Long in Essos
Solution: Fast Travel
It took six whole seasons to finally get Daenerys Targaryen to leave Essos and head to Westeros and claim her crown. What was taking her so damn long? She instead could’ve used a Fast Travel cheat code from an early version of Supernova, which was added by Apogee Software founder Scott Miller so he could test end levels without having to play through the whole thing.
Best part: The cheat would not only let Daenerys Targaryen skip all of her Essos side quests and end up in Westeros faster, but it would give her all the items she needs to conquer the Seven Kingdoms. Say hello to three fully grown dragons! Oh wait, make that two…
Problem: Viserion Died
Solution: Unlimited 1-Ups
One of the biggest shocks from season seven was the moment the Night King killed Viserion and turned him into an ice dragon. Daenerys’ life would’ve been so much easier, if only she’d grabbed a bunch of 1-ups from the first stage of Super Mario Bros — or really, any game where you can get unlimited lives. Come on, Dany, that’s like one of the easiest cheat codes in the book.
Problem: The Red Wedding
Solution: The Konami Code
The Red Wedding is an absolute shit storm, so throw everything you’ve got at it. Extra lives, supercharged ammo, power-ups. You name it. The Konami Code is the only way that Robb, Catelyn, and the rest are getting out of that situation alive. Bonus: You could use it to give “The Rains of Castamere” a sweet electronic remix, as the cheat code was popular with Dance Dance Revolution games.
Problem: The Viper is Killed
Solution: Make the Mountain Fight Himself
Oberyn Martell was one cool customer — until he had his eyes gouged out by the Mountain and died horribly. That one event led to countless others, both good and bad. Tyrion Lannister fled the capital and headed to Daenerys’ side but not before killing his father, leaving Cersei as the wild card in charge. And the Mountain was poisoned and turned into a creepy zombie creature. Oh, if only there was a way that tragedy could have been avoided. What if instead of battling the Viper, the Mountain had fought…the Mountain?
In the early days of Street Fighter 2, before the Championship Edition, there was no way to play as the same character unless you knew about the cheat code. If you think about it, it’s the perfect solution. Take the Viper out of the picture, force the Mountain to battle himself, and everybody wins. Because the Mountain dies. I’m assuming we’re going with the multiple realities theory that the Mountain’s two lives would fuse back together after the battle, meaning he would be dead no matter which version won. Because I’m writing this article, I can assume anything I want.
Problem: ‘Hold the Door’
Solution: Giant Tank
Don’t be a jerk, Bran, making Hodor hold the door. That’s how we got Hodor in the first place. Instead, use your Three-Eyed Raven powers to summon a fucking tank from Grand Theft Auto III. There’s nothing better at holding a door, and killing everything behind it.
Problem: Cersei Is Destroying Everything
Solution: Drunk Mode
Cersei Lannister, Long May She Reign, has completely lost her chill. She’s spent her whole life fighting, plotting, and warring against anyone who might stand in her way. She doesn’t care about anyone except herself, and maybe her brother-cum-boyfriend. Hey…remember that one time when Cersei got super drunk during the Battle of Blackwater Bay? That was pretty chill. She wasn’t poisoning her husband, framing her brother for murder, or plotting to get her son’s wife arrested by a bunch of religious zealots. She was just yelling at some women about how they were all going to get assaulted.
Cersei would benefit greatly from GTAV’s Drunk Mode, which turns the character into a simulated drunken mess—this includes dizziness, stumbling, and poor judgment. Just get her fake drunk, put her in a room, and let her yell at random people without actually getting any real work done. And since it doesn’t involve actual alcohol, it won’t endanger her health…or that incest baby she’s carrying now.
Problem: The White Walker Invasion
Solution: Turn Everyone Into Zombies
With the arrival of the Night King and his undead army in season eight, the heroes of Westeros are going to need every advantage they can get. What would be better than making sure the White Walkers don’t actually have anyone to turn? Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis makes dinosaurs appear undead. A little tweak could have Jon Snow and the others tricking the White Walkers into thinking they’re part of the team. The Others wouldn’t fight themselves!
Problem: George R.R. Martin Won’t Finish The Winds of Winter
Solution: God Mode
George, honey, we’ve been waiting forever. I know you created A Song of Ice and Fire and know everything about the world you made, but do you want a helping hand? We could give you a little dash of God Mode from The Sims or DOOM. Unlimited money, resources, and time to make whatever you want. Just get it done, dude.