The two leading GOP presidential candidates, burnt sienna businessman Donald Trump and Friendless Senator Ted Cruz, are in a microblog insult battle about the women they married.
It all started yesterday — actually two days ago, it’s 1am, fuck! — when Trump got pissed off that an anti-Donald Trump political action campaign used a sexy photo of Melania Trump as an attack ad. In retaliation, the adult man currently winning his party’s votes for the nomination to one of the most powerful political seats in the world threatened to “spill the beans” about Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi Cruz. This was the beginning of a very promising Twitter beef, and the world wondered what beans would be spilled.
Alas: Turns out “spill the beans” is Trump-talk for “retweet a dumbass, aggressively misogynist meme.”
Cruz responded by taking the high road, potentially for the first time in his life, although oddly enough he did not take the opportunity to admit that his wife is secretly Ana Gasteyer:
Even by Night Twitter standards, this is inane. Though I guess by the interminable election standards it’s par for the course.
Do you know how hard it is to make Ted Cruz, a human spittoon, look classy? This is a dude whose primary personality trait is abrasive cravenness on a mitochondrial level. I don’t even know what that means exactly, because I’m really tired, but Donald Trump’s campaign team is up at night retweeting rude memes and it’s not even the dumbest thing he’s retweeted in the past four weeks and this man might be our president.