Astronaut Scott Kelly and cosmonaut Mikhail Kornienko return from space next week, having spent a total of 340 days up there. They left 27 March 2015 but it may as well have been a lifetime ago. Here’s everything that happened on Earth while they were away.
Top image: Screenshot from the 1968 documentary Planet of the Apes
March 2015
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is the top candidate that US Republicans want for President. Jeb Bush is second. Nobody is even polling for Trump yet.
The United States officially chills the hell out about Cuba.
Hillary Clinton is the clear favourite for Democrats with 56 per cent of the imaginary vote for President. Bernie Sanders is at just 4 per cent, with Elizabeth Warren at 14 per cent, Joe Biden at 10 per cent and “I don’t know” pulling a respectable 14 per cent.
April 2015
The Apple Watch is released.
May 2015
People start listing their Apple Watches on eBay as “barely used”.
American Pharoah wins the Kentucky Derby.
June 2015
Greece’s economy falls apart and somebody tries to crowdfund their bailout. It doesn’t work out so well.
Donald Jaiden Trump announces that he will run for President of the United States of America by awkwardly descending an escalator and calling Mexicans murderers and rapists. Americans laugh confidently, knowing that he’ll never get the Republican nomination.
The US Supreme Court confirms that marriage between any two people, regardless of their sex or gender, is legal in all 50 states.
The motion picture Ted 2 is released in theatres.
July 2015
Stupid Earth-bound humans insist that the Pluto flyby was faked on a soundstage in Burbank or something.
Somebody somewhere makes a joke about Al Gore inventing the internet and everyone around that person laughs and laughs until they double over in pain — uncontrollably projectile vomiting out of sheer joy and amusement at such a clever and original joke.
July 2015 becomes the hottest month in US recorded history.
August 2015
Beloved hitchhiking robot hitchBOT is destroyed in Philadelphia after just two weeks in the US.
Wiz Khalifa is arrested at the Los Angeles airport while riding a hoverboard. He calls it a hoverboard, and two-wheeled self-balancing scooters are known as hoverboards thereafter.
Google becomes Alphabet, because why the hell not.
Millennials and Gen Xers become enraged that the word “hoverboard” is being used for something that doesn’t hover.
Wes Craven dies.
Iran and the United States sign a deal, lifting some sanctions and securing promises that Iran won’t build a nuclear weapon. It was either a brilliantly executed exercise in diplomacy or the worst deal of all time, depending on who you ask.
September 2015
The immigration crisis in Europe gets worse.
An enormous time capsule is opened, sucks.
Australia gets their fifth Prime Minister in five years.
People are still mad about hoverboards.
The internet goes nuts over a rat dragging a slice of pizza down some stairs because the internet as a futuristic, collective intelligence dedicated to educating and enlightening humankind has clearly failed as an experiment.
The last Apple Watch believer quietly shoves his Watch to the back of his sock drawer.
October 2015
Nike finally releases their Air Mag powerlace shoes from Back to the Future: Part II. Sort of.
Drake’s video for “Hotline Bling” is released.
A pinko stair-tumbler is elected Prime Minister of Canada.
People are still angry that hoverboards are called hoverboards.
November 2015
ISIS arseholes kill 129 people in coordinated attacks throughout Paris, and injure hundreds.
“THEY DON’T EVEN HOVER,” the internet commenters cried futilely into the night.
President Obama pardons two turkeys for Thanksgiving and tells the worst Dad joke of all time.
The annual War on Christmas starts.
December 2015
Carpet-bombing of the North Pole proves ineffective, and Christmas happens anyway.
The Paris Climate Agreement is adopted.
The Force Awakens opens in theatres and thousands of moviegoers don’t notice when cheeky projectionists substitute the new movie with prints of the 1977 Star Wars.
Hoverboards around the world burst into flames.
ISIS-inspired arseholes kill 14 people in San Bernardino, California.
Zuck has a baby Zuck.
January 2016
David Bowie dies.
CES happens.
Basically everybody bans hoverboards.
The Benghazi movie comes out but nobody goes to see it because it’s not called The Benghazi Movie and instead is titled like 13 Hours Of Shouting or some shit.
February 2016
News leaks that Amazon will open physical stores.
Amazon denies that they will open physical stores.
Multiple people confirm that Amazon will open physical stores.
Amazon proven to be liars.
Scientists confirm the existence of gravitational waves, which is a big fucking deal even if you have no idea what gravitational waves are.
Former great legacy hope Jeb Bush drops out of the Republican race.
Uber driver kills a bunch of people in Michigan in between picking up fares.
People finally come to accept that those two-wheeled self-balancing scooters are called hoverboards. JK everybody’s still pissed about that.
Donald Trump.