According to recently uncovered jungle etchings, the great Mayan 2012 Apocalypse myth is not only just that — the Mayan calendar actually allowed for octillions of years of world history. So, um, I guess we can all relax now!
Reuters reports the new findings are based on an ancient "scribe", who appears to have annotated the scary apocalyptic Mayan calendar cited by doomsday fetishists:
The researchers who helped uncover and decipher the wall's inscriptions said the Maya calendar foresaw a vast progression of time, with the December 2012 date the beginning of a new calendar cycle called a baktun.
So, you see, December 2012 isn't supposed to be the apocalypse — it's literally the opposite of the apocalypse. The beginning of an entirely new calendar cycle. The biggest threat to human civilisation is being stuck with each for eons. The good news is that the human race just bought itself some time! No more worrying about boiling oceans and the Washington Monument sliding into a huge chasm. We've got plenty of time. If anything, jungle etching experts say, we've got too much time:
"They were looking at the way these cycles were turning," said William Saturno of Boston University, an author of an article on the find in the journal Science. "The Maya calendar is going to keep going and keep going for billions, trillions, octillions of years into the future, a huge number that we can't even wrap our heads around."
So we've gone from six months left on this crummy planet to octillions of years?! I guess you'll have to convert that doomsday shelter into a nursery where you can be cared for when you're an octillion years old. [Reuters]