Just because you can’t turn into a giant green rage machine, doesn’t mean you don’t sometimes feel like one. As much as he bemoans his super powers, Bruce Banner has to get some level of satisfaction, and stress relief, from going on a rage-fuelled smashing spree.
And while we’re not advocating the destruction of private or public property, or injuring others, sometimes a little destruction can go a long way when it comes to dealing with stress. So here’s everything you need to SMASH just like the Hulk does, but responsibly, of course.
The hammer might be more associated with Thor than Hulk, but when it comes to smashing things, there’s no simpler tool for the job. The SISU, named after the Finnish word for ‘stubborn determination’, is actually designed for fitness training, but once you fill the head with lead shot you’ve got 13kg of pure destruction you can swing around with a 38-inch handle.
Made with extra strong seven gauge steel, the War Hammer definitely earns its name — since nothing will be left standing once it starts swinging. $US125.
Like peanut butter and jelly, or popcorn and butter, axes and hammers go perfectly together when it comes to smashing and destruction. And while there’s a huge selection of dangerous-looking axes to choose from these days, we recommend the Airborne from Base Camp X.
Not only does its double-bladed design let it be thrown at a target, maximising your destructive capabilities from a distance, it it also means this thing is dangerous no matter which direction you’re swinging it. And the handle comes in a lovely shade of Hulk green. Need we say more? $US185.
When it comes to smashing pavement, rocks or the Earth’s mantle deep inside a mine, nothing is as effective as a jackhammer. Except maybe, a jackhammer attached to the end of a drivable remote control robot.
That’s right. Not only can you smash through walls, roadways and the Earth’s crust, but you can do so without having to endure the constant bone-shattering vibration of actually holding a jackhammer. The Husqvarna DXR 310 is completely operated from a giant remote control, letting you stand back and take out your frustrations while the robot does all the work. Thousands and thousands of dollars.
Due to its limited wireless range, that robot jackhammer can unfortunately only be used to smash through things from a short distance. But what if you wanted to take down an abandoned building that happens to be in another country? A similar issue faced weapons designers many years ago, and that’s why they invented the artillery gun.
Capable of launching a 11kg shell for miles and miles, this particular GMH Gun was employed by the Australian army. So you know it’s badass if people who can tolerate Vegemite were pulling the trigger. $US26,500.
Here’s a question to ask yourself: Have you ever seen a stressed or upset lumberjack? No. If Monty Python has taught us anything, it’s that lumberjacks work out all their anxieties felling trees all day long. Well, that, and wearing pressed wild flowers.
But watching a mighty spruce or redwood come crashing to the ground has to provide some level of pure destructive satisfaction, and the 3120 XP from Husqvarna is what the professionals use. It’s strong enough to support a cutting arm up to 1.8m in length, allowing it to make short work of even the mightiest timber. And it will probably work just as well when it comes to slicing fresh bread for a mid-afternoon sandwich. $US1800.
If there was only one tool that summed up what the Hulk was all about, it’s the tank. Designed to plough through obstacles like razor wire, fences and buildings, the tank’s treaded tracks, thick armour and long barrel make it pretty much unstoppable once it goes on a smashing spree. There’s a reason they’re the choice of most crazies who want to get on the evening news.
This particular tank is one of just six M18 Hellcats known to exist in the United States, and has been perfectly restored. So it comes ready to wreak havoc on wherever you choose to drive it. And once again, that lovely green paint job has the Hulk written all over it. $US469,000.
OK, we admit, this looks incredibly phallic. But why settle for just a chainsaw and a tank when you can have both of their strengths combined into one ultimate smashing machine? That massive toothed belt on the Tesmec TRS 1675′s long cutting arm can dig a trench as fast as this thing can be driven, and we’re assuming it could tear through a building, a car, or a concrete bunker like a hot knife through melted butter.
It doesn’t matter if your boss is making you work late, or if Gary took your last yogurt from the break room fridge. Any kind of frustrations or stress at work can easily be relieved with a spin around the block in this thing. If the Hulk ever took a day off, this would certainly fill in just fine as his substitute. Hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Image: Marvel Comics