It’s Sunday, you’ve made it through the long week, and it’s time for Happy Hour, Gizmodo’s weekly booze column. A cocktail shaker full of innovation, science and alcohol. Raise one for our fallen brothers and sisters.
Let’s start with an easy one that doesn’t require any special equipment. Jelly shots are great, but if you put them in little individual shot cups you’re going to get caught. So here’s what you do: Follow your normal jelly shot recipe, but just pour it into a big, wide tupperware container. Once it solidifies, add a little whipped cream to the edges, and then with frosting write “Happy birthday, Christopher!” and draw a smiling toy car. If anyone asks you about it, you’re meeting your nephew at the game (or concert, or whatever) and you made him a jelly cake, which is his favourite thing. Then dig in with a spoon and try not to pass out before the 7th inning stretch. Image credit: Shutterstock/pixshots
When you want to bring in a lot of booze and you really, truly, deeply, profoundly don’t care how you look, consider the Beer Belly. It fits a whopping 2.3L under your shirt, and a little Camelback-style hose pops out so you can drink directly from your gut (disturbing?). Personally, I wouldn’t put anything carbonated in there, because you wouldn’t be able to move without shaking it. The deluxe version comes with an ice pack to help keep it cool, but if it’s pressed up into your chest, it’s going to get warm anyway. Might as well just fill it up with 2.3L of hard liquor and be everybody’s best friend. (Also, Annelise who works there is a person, and not a chatbot.) $US35
Forget that this is a pun you want to hate but can’t. The Wine Rack is made by the Beer Belly folks, except that it’s for women, and instead of making you look fat and dumpy like the Beer Belly, it just gives you a large, booze-filled bosom. Sounds like a lovely combination to me. The Wine Rack can supposedly boost someone from a A-cup to double-Ds (with what I’m sure is a totally natural look), it can hold up to 750mL of your favourite beverage, and it has the same drinking hose as the beer belly so you don’t have to take it off to enjoy it. Boobs plus whiskey equals marry me. Kathy Lee likes it, too. $US30
Who could forget our second episode of Happy Hour, alcoholic gummy bears? You did? For shame. Not only are they tasty and innocent-looking, they pack a surprising wallop. They’re also really easy to make. Basically just soak some gummy bears in vodka for three to five days in the fridge. Put ‘em back in the bag, and close it tightly (because them things are gooey).
Another wearable concealer, but one that’s designed to be a little more subtle. The Sneaky Shorts are basically a pair of Camelback-style bladders attached to a hip-belt. You can wear them under pants or shorts, and they have a little hose to fill up cups. They can hold up to 700mL and hopefully they’ll only give you a little bit of that “front-butt” look. $US19
If you’re going to a park — or anywhere they allow you to bring in cans, but no alcohol — these reusable labels might just do the trick. You simply slap them over your cans of beer to make them look like soft drink. OK, if someone takes a close look at these, they will not pass muster — after all, “Skunkpiss” does not sound like a tasty, kid-friendly beverage — but from a distance, it’ll do. $US10 for a six pack.
Please Hammer, don’t intoxicate ‘em. I’ll admit, I’m doubtful of the usefulness of this ruse. I mean, how many places are you going that wouldn’t allow you to have booze but would allow you to have a hammer? It’s for construction workers and handymen, I guess, which is unsettling. Anyway, this thing allows you to stash five ounces of booze in the handle, you can use the hammer head as an ice crusher, and it doubles as a bottle opener. It seems like a mix of conspicuous and impractical, but we appreciate the novelty. $US17
Kooler Klub Golf Club Flask
Here’s one for the booze-drinking golfers, which I kinda assume is all golfers. This ingenious fake-club system holds 1.4L of your beverage of choice, and it’s slim enough to fit in your golfbag. It’s pump operated like a keg — you just pump it, press a button, and it pours your happy juice into a glass. And don’t worry if you’re a duffer; it’s insulated well enough that cold or hot beverages keep their temperatures for up to five hours. This might actually get me to play golf (no it won’t). $US45
Here’s another from the Happy Hour archives. We call it The Drunken Boyscout. Simply take some plastic-wrapped ice blocks, use a syringe to pull out some of the liquid, replace that liquid with booze, tape over the hole, and pop back in the freezer. They’re really quite tasty. This trick works even better with juice boxes because you can get better-tasting juice and a larger volume. To get the right ratios, you’re going to want to read the whole article here.
This one’s especially great for the footy. Just a simple little cushion for my tuchus, Mr Stadium Security guy! Inside that cushion, though, lurks 750mL of whatever, which you can sneakily dispense through the integrated hose. And yes, you can sit on it, as it’s guaranteed to hold steady for folks up to 136kg. There are tonnes of colour schemes to choose from, so if you can find your team’s colours you can make it even more inconspicuous. Nice. $US35
Smuggle Mug (Coming Soon)
The original Smuggle Mug was so popular that it’s totally sold out. There’s a new and improved version coming, but sadly it won’t be ready until August 2012. Still, it deserves a place here because it’s awesome: It’s a mug with a hidden flask inside. The cool part is that you don’t have to take it apart to transfer the hidden booze into the main mug — you just blow into it. So you fill it up with Coke, pretend to sip but actually blow, and boom: a delicious mixed drink. Genius. You can pre-order now. $US23
THE REAL WHIZZINATOR-XXX
“No officer, I don’t have any alcohol with me, I’m just urinating into this cup for later.” The perfect excuse, right? Especially when it isn’t urine, but gold tequila. The Real Whizzinator-XXX is really just made for cheating drug tests, but why not use it for sneaking booze in somewhere? Best of all, you can absolutely horrify your friends by doing a shot of what appears to be your own pee. Do the good times ever stop? They don’t! Because the Wizzinator is “lifelike in its look & feel with the folds & texture of a real flaccid penis,” and you can choose from 11 different colors! Joy overload! $US100
Got more tricks? Drop ‘em in the comments, and check back next week for more Happy Hour.