It’s Saturday afternoon, you’ve made it through the long week, and it’s time for Happy Hour, Gizmodo’s weekly booze column. A cocktail shaker full of innovation, science, and alcohol. Bottoms up, and lord forgive me for this one.
This shit is responsible for 97 per cent of all the black out/puke stories I heard in 2010. It is pure evil. A) It tastes like death, B) it’s artificially coloured so brightly that it will make your guts glow like Vegas, C) the combination of a lot of booze, a lot of caffeine, and all kinds of other poisons make this stuff an unwitting-suicide attempt in a can.
So, why the hell am I now telling you how to make it at home? Well, because you want to know. When it got pulled off the shelves, cans were selling on Craigslist and eBay for five times the original price. By that point everybody knew it was dangerous, and people who bought it were looking to play with fire. Then the caffeine, taurine, and guarana was pulled out, and it didn’t matter. It didn’t give you that same “Oh my god I want to kiss/fight/screw EVERYTHING!” feeling. So, now you can play with fire again. Sam Biddle gets the credit/blame for this idea. I’ll take the credit/blame for the recipe.
But please, if you make Faux Loko, be very, very very careful. Don’t be stupid. Don’t drive. Don’t poison yourself. Just… don’t.
Okay, so let’s get down to it.
There is a special ingredient that is making this possible. Berocca. In addition to being packed with vitamins, there’s also a whopping dose of caffeine and plenty of guarana and hard-to-pronounce mystery ingredients like phenylalanine. Phenylalanine is used to to trigger the release of dopamine, epinephrine (adrenaline) and melanin. So, this stuff will simultaneously get you amped and give you a tan? Basically.
You might think of this drink as Berloko, or a Beroctail. But no, it’s Faux Loko.
Recreating a Monster
In making a Four Loko analogue, you need to look at what makes a Four Loko, and then find like pieces to the puzzle. Four Loko is a malt beverage. OK, great, let’s start with some malt liquor.
Four Loko was 12 per cent alcohol by volume (ABV). It’s very tough to find a malt liquor that comes close to that. That’s as strong as some wines. St. Ides has 8.2 per cent and Steel Reserve has 8.1 per cent, but these aren’t as easy to find as say, Olde English which has about 6 per cent. But you know what? That’s OK. We can take care of that in a minute; for now just use whichever malt liquor you prefer.
Buy yourself a litre, but DO NOT DRINK IT ALL YOURSELF. This is for you and at least one friend. Splitting it between four would be preferable. But right now we’re trying to make an analogue, and Four Loko came in 680mL cans. So that’s the malt base.
Split your litre into two large glasses or jars, so that you have half a litre of a solution that’s 6 per cent ABV. To that, add 118mL of the cheapest (you won’t be tasting any of it anyway) 80-proof vodka you can find. That gives you about 600-700mL of 11.6 per cent ABV drank. Close enough to Four Loko’s 680mL, 12 per cent ABV badness.
For the caffeine and other uppers, one Berocca tablet per glass will more than suffice. Four Loko had an estimated 260mg of caffeine per can (before it was pulled out). Berocca has a crazy 280mg of caffeine per tablet. Sweet Jesus. It also has guarana and while it lacks taurine, I think the phenylalanine will make up for it.
Now for the flavour. Four Loko had a (disgusting) fruity taste. So we’re going to use Koolaid drink powder. Per Koolaid’s instructions, add one rounded tablespoon per 230mL of water. Well, we have 700mL of fluid, so go ahead and add three rounded tablespoons to your jar. Each serving of Koolaid has 16g of sugar in it, which means our solution now has 48g of sugar. That’s a lot, but Four Loko had 60g of sugar per can. No problem, just add 12g of granulated sugar, which is roughly one tablespoon. Done!
Recipe for Disaster
Here it is in recipe terms, all sophisticated-like.
- 590mL malt liquor (6 per cent ABV)
- 118mL 80-proof vodka (40 per cent ABV)
- One Berocca tablet
- Three tablespoons Koolaid mix
- One tablespoon sugar
- 1. Put the Berocca tablet into a large jar (preferably 1L in size).
- 2. Add 118mL (eight tablespoons) of 80-proof vodka and allow tablet to dissolve most of the way.
- 3. Slowly add 590mL of 6 per cent ABV malt liquor.
- 4. Add 3 tablespoons of Koolaid drink mix and one tablespoon of sugar.
- 5. Stir very gently with a long spoon until sugar is dissolved
In retrospect, it would be better to just pour in a small amount of malt liquor first, stir in the the Koolaid and sugar until it’s totally dissolved, and then add the rest of the liquor. Otherwise you’ll be stirring out a lot of the bubbles like I accidentally did. Learn from my mistakes.
The result is a bright red punch that actually tastes quite a bit like the original, which is to say, “gross”. Our own Sam Biddle (the walking, talking Wine Spectator of Four Loko) said it was “actually pretty good” and he would “totally drink it”. So there you have it.
Or you could just buy a decaffinated Four Loko from your corner store and add a Berocca tablet to it, but what’s the fun in that?
THIS WILL SCREW YOU UP VERY HARD!
That is something that I cannot stress enough. I say that not as a challenge, but as a warning. The insane concentration of caffeine, sugar and other uppers plus a lot of alcohol is what got so many people into so much trouble with Four Loko. You’re so artificially amped that when you reach the point where you would normally pass out, you don’t. You keep drinking more. This can easily lead to blackout situations and potentially to alcohol-poisoning and worse. So, yes, it’s fun to push our limits, but be smart with this because while just the right amount could lead to a fun night of partying, too much could literally kill you. Got it? Good.
I just drank about one-third of one, and boy do I feel it. Half drunk, half jittery. Really, I weigh 80kg and a third of this drink has me way drunker than I want to be while at work. Afraid to talk to anyone because I’ll probably say something stupid. I had to wait until I was mostly finished with this article to try it for fear of egregious typos, and that fear was well-justified. I’m struggling with this paragraph now, and I can’t feel parts of my face, so I’m going to sign off. Tune in next week for another episode of Happy Hour that I promise will be far less dangerous and poisonous than this.