A man in Northern Ireland was arrested after his turning-my-poop-into-gold alchemy project set fire to his whole block. The operating hypothesis is that Paul Moran, who will serve three months in jail for this bit of idiocy, left his own "faeces" on a heater along with a bunch of other gross stuff, like fertiliser. Then, presumably, he went off to make more. And of course, it caught on fire and burned a bunch of houses.
The judge presiding over the case had an agreeably deadpan soundbyte: "It was an interesting experiment to fulfil the alchemist's dream, but wasn't going to succeed," he told Mr Moran, which is just about perfect, though it could probably do with a Tywin Lannister reference. [Yahoo UK]