Top 5 Smelly Things That Should Be Banned In Aeroplanes

The US Department of Transportation wants to ban electronic cigarettes, even while they only produce water vapour that doesn’t contain any cancerous chemicals. They say this will increase the comfort of other passengers. Perhaps they should ban other things first.

The logic is that the vapour from the e-cigs would bother other passengers, according to US Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood:

Airline passengers have rights, and this new rule would enhance passenger comfort and reduce any confusion surrounding the use of electronic cigarettes in flight.

Do you know what really confuses me, Ray? Do you know what really gets in my nostrils and my bloody nerves?

5. Perfumes, colognes and scented deodorants. Why do people insist on dousing themselves on perfumes when they come into a plane? Aren’t they aware that smelling like a walking whorehouse can bother people as much as a real cigarette? At least, it bothers me to the point of nausea.

4. After-shaves. These are even worse than perfumes. I don’t even like scented after-shaves in the open. There should be a worldwide ban on them, but aeroplanes would be enough for now.

3. People wearing socks and sandals. I remember that flight in which the passenger behind me was wearing these, probably after a long day of walking around the terminal, waiting for his flight to board. I had to hold my vomit for an entire intercontinental flight.

2. Not showering. Of course, the smell of sweat is even worse than numbers 4 or 5 combined (actually, quite often 4, 5, 3 and 2 come combined). The Department of Transportation must install showers on each gate, and any passenger who smells of sweat should be made to take a shower. Some passengers should also be disinfected. Or, if they want to avoid showering because it’s against their beliefs, just put them inside hermetic full body suits.

1. Farting. Only solution: Just install buttplugs in all passengers.

(Extra bonus: Ban all things that make crunchy noises when eaten, like chips).

All those things should be banned in planes, trains, buses, submarines and space stations. Air marshals should tase anyone who doesn’t abide to these rules. Don’t protest. This all makes sense following the perfect logic of the Department of Transportation. [LA Times]