Secret Foot Massage
“A foot massage means nothing. I’d give my mother a foot massage.” — Jules, Pulp Fiction. You definitely could give this to your mother, but you should get one for yourself, too. With its six-kneeding, Shiatsu-style massage heads, sweet optional heat and handy toe controls, you could keep this under your desk and let go of all your tension while you’re filling out those damn TPS reports. $US50 at Amazon.
Here Comes the Sun
Real sunlight stimulates your pineal gland in ways that electric lights don’t. Many believe this insufficient pineal stimulation (yeah, I said it twice) can lead to a whole number of maladies, most commonly S.A.D., depression and fatigue (though some will go as far as to blame this for cancer). If you work indoors all day, grab yourself a full spectrum light bulb for you desk lamp. They’re pretty cheap, and at the very least I’ve noticed they reduce eye-strain and in-office suicidal urges. You can find full-spectrum bulbs to fit virtually any lamp. $US35 per 4-pack at Amazon.
A Spa for Your Hand
Does your job require you to use a mouse a lot. Look, if your mouse hurts your hand, ever, you do not have to take it. Break out of the cycle of that abusive relationship, drop that bastard mouse, respect yourself, and pick up the best mouse ever. The Logitech G400 is the updated version of their greatest ever mouse, but now it’s ever greaterer with better optical tracking. At only 40 bones, you owe it to your hands bones. $US40 at Logitech.
Something Weird and Awesome
Yeah, it looks like some sort of bizzarre steampunk octopus, but man, this thing feels sooo good. You ever scratch a cat behind his ears and you can tell he’s just been transported into another dimension of ecstasy? This does that, but for humans. These vibrating head tinglers are amazing. Not only do I recommend keeping one in your living room for parties, but they’re cheap so grab yourself a second one for the office. You’ll look a little weird doing this to yourself in public, so you might wanna take this into the bathroom, though how you’ll explain the vibrating sound coming out of your bathroom stall is up to you. $US10 for the Ting Ting at Amazon.
A Real Rush
Work not so stimulating? Yeah, that’s pretty common. If only there was some way to get a rush of endorphins while you’re sitting at your desk. Oh wait, how about Endorphin Rush Hot Sauce! Dab a little little on your tongue. It’s so sweet! And then, suddenly, you get the first hint of what you’re in for. This will trigger all of your fight or flight endorphins because you will think that you dying. You’ll drink a quarter-gallon of milk to get the burning out of your mouth, and then you’ll go back to work more alert and alive than ever. Endorphin Rush isn’t the hottest sauce in the world, but it’s in the top 10, and I can personally guarantee its effectiveness. $US6 at HotSauce.com.