Why The Internet Should Die In A Fire

Oh internet, why are you such a scary, disgusting and weird mistress? Spoiler alert: it’s not the internet, it’s humanity, and looking at humanity in the classifieds is often like staring at an anus through a telescope.

Example 1: The Roommate of Nightmares

This one is right here in New York City. My buddy Patrick just stumbled onto it while apartment-hunting. It’s pretty exquisite. (click to largeify)

I don’t know if there’s really anything I need to add to that post except that if you sleep there I only give you a 22 per cent chance of waking up with all of your organs.

This next little ditty comes to us from Plano, Texas. Unlike our first post, this one seems nice and reasonable, with good spelling and grammar. They’re selling a used Tempur-Pedic mattress for $US500, which is $US1000 less than they paid for it!

For sale is a relatively new and luxuriously comfortable queen size Tempur-Pedic mattress.

It was purchased new about one year ago and the memory foam feels amazing. It will conform to your body perfectly and feels like you are sleeping on a cloud without any of the painful pressure points, tossing and turning, etc.

Great! I’m sold. I can’t believe you’re selling an “Almost New” Tempur-Pedic for so little! But wait, there’s more!? (click to elephantine-ise)

AHHHHHHHHH!!! Yes, who wouldn’t want to settle in for a nice “romantic” evening on someone else’s afterbirth and placenta stains? Shaped like a heart!? I don’t care if it’s shaped like Pippa Middleton’s arse, I’m not going anywhere near it.

Example 3: Will Get Me Fired

Imagine I come into the office one day, and I march right up to my boss, Matt Buchanan. I stare deep into his eyes, silently, for 30 seconds, and then I scream, “Hey boss! I’ve got a knife with your name on it!” Then I laugh all crazy and pull this out of my pocket! (click to expand-o-gram)

I don’t know which would go over worse, the whole pulling out a knife thing, or the “Matt Buchanan Forever and Ever” element. Either way, I wouldn’t be working here anymore. But it’s nice to plan last day tomfoolery long in advance. At least, I hope so. Matt? The point is that there’s enough crazy stuff out there to suit anyone’s purpose-especially if that purpose is incredibly f**ked up and stupid.

Anyhoo, I’m going to go scrub my eyes out with an abrasive cleanser. In the meantime, thank you, Craiglist/humanity! Truly, you are a many-splendoured thing.