I hear you’re releasing The Lion King in 3D. First you shit out two horrible sequels and now this? Are you trying to ruin my childhood?
This is about hooking ‘em young, right? You’re throwing in a pair of free Simba-inspired 3D glasses to draw our wide-eyed youth into the newest film fad. Sure, Avatar proved that 3D movies — if done right — can be awesome. But Lion King 3D will not be awesome. Nobody needs to see Mufasa’s tragic death from three dimensions. It won’t make it anymore painful than it was in two. It might even make it silly.
That’s because Lion King‘s creators made something moving and iconic in the first place. Adding bells and whistles to their work won’t automatically enhance its artistry. In fact, it’s somewhat akin to brightening the colours on a Da Vinci just to make it pop a little. After all, they’re f**king cartoons! Their two-dimensionalness is charming! If we wanted to watch realistic lions and monkeys battle it out to the death, we’d rent Planet Earth. Or we’d go see some talented people on Broadway.
But this isn’t just about you jumping on the 3D bandwagon just for the hell of it. This is also about exploiting my precious childhood memories for profit. Every time you release a faux-movie that reinvents the Simbas and Aladdins from your classics, the eight-year-old in me dies a little bit more. My generation is broke and pessimistic about the future. All of our TV shows and movies are about drug rings or confusing relationships. The Disney Vault of classics is one of the last places we can go for a brief, happy-go-lucky viewing experience. But it’s just not the same when I know some two-bit peons revamped it in 3D and threw in some promotional prop just to make a couple bucks off some kids that don’t know any better. It takes away the authenticity of the experience and reminds me that this was not just a fun Disney flick made for my viewing pleasure as a kid. It is a money-making vehicle for the man.
So, well, f**k the man. The man has taken a big giant dump in the Vault. And it’s called 3D. Hakuna matata will never sound the same to me again. [RealD]
adam
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 10:32 AMDon’t watch it then? I am sure no one is forcing you to the cinemas, and also Simba’s Pride was a damn good movie.
wooktree
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 10:45 AMI’m getting tired of people complaining about 3D and the studios wanting to make profit off it. There is a reason that there are 2d and 3d versions of the films that are released in 3d. It’s because not everyone likes/can watch/wants to watch a 3D film!! Just man the fuck up and watch it in 2D. Is there any point in chucking a bitch fit about it? NO. Your childhood isn’t being taken away from you or hurt in any way. You still have your precious film in it’s original form if you want to watch it that way.
I wish people wouldn’t take their favourite movies so seriously. I have a fond liking for the original Clash of the Titans and sure the remake wasn’t very good, but I don’t go complaining like an idiot that they somehow “destroyed my childhood memories and took a shit on my face in the process”.
“hakuna matata will never sound the same to me again”, REALLY, WON’T IT SOUND THE SAME? Did they also make it sound different too? Did they replace the line with some drunken man slurring some innapropriate words together with a burp? Did they bring Pitbull in to feature in the song? THINK OF WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, JUST THINK.
huu
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 11:04 AMI agree, 2D Cartoon in 3D is stupid. Anyhoo… film studios main purpose is to make money, creating warm n fuzzy childhood memories is not their main concern. The best protest is by not going to see it, and not ranting about it, now some parent who read this might drag their kids to this torture. Who knows one of these kids might be ranting about it in 20 years time when it get remake to virtual holigraphic simulation.
Graham
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 11:10 AMThe great thing is, the 2d version will still be available so you dont have to watch the 3d version if you dont want to. Choice is a wonderful thing.
Jed
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 11:33 AMHey! Simba’s Pride was fantastic!
Astroboy440
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 11:58 AMIt’s just a movie dude, have some perspective. Obviously lots of other people are willing to pay to see it or it wouldn’t have been done. Blame the masses.
EckyThump
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 12:34 PMHeh, pretty sure ‘Alyssa’ isn’t a dude,.. dude!
Max
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 7:17 PMPretty sure he didn’t literally mean she was male, dude.
EckyThump
Sunday, August 28, 2011 at 8:35 AMReally,…Dude!
EckyThump
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 12:38 PMI hate this silly fad of converting 2D to 3D, Firstly if it was originally 2D, then you can only interpret the 3rd dimension and it looks like crap! Secondly, when people watch this crap and go away feeling cheated, they lose interest in 3D! So in effect converting 2D to 3D is killing actual 3D! #[
Ozoneocean
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 3:03 PMOh they already did that to my childhood by making their cheap knock-off version of Simba -_-
Unimaginative
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 3:29 PMPreeeeetty sure they made the movie to turn a profit in the first place, not make you feel good.
Steve
Sunday, August 28, 2011 at 12:07 AMThe first one still exists and has a place on my DVD shelf so I find no reason to bitch about this. Jesus people.
Paul
Monday, August 29, 2011 at 12:10 AMReasonably funny article, but stupid point of view. They’re remaking Conan and Predator and will probably ruin a lot of movie greats. If you don’t like it, don’t go see it. Wait til one of your friends says “OMG have you seen the new Lion King in 3D it is totally awesome” and if you respect that persons opinion, maybe you will go see it – but otherwise just keep living life like it doesn’t exist and forget about it.
Jamie
Monday, August 29, 2011 at 10:14 AMThey made sequels to the Lion King? Faaarrk.. Ignorance truly was bliss.
3D sucks and people should just get over it. And for all those “why don’t you just not watch it?” people, the problems is, and what pisses me off about it, is when a movie I really want to see is ONLY showing in 3D so I have no choice. So I used to just pay extra and watch it in 3D despite the fact there is no added benefit and in fact I usually find it quite annoying.
At least that’s what I used to do until I decided that instead I would just download the movie in 2D for free and watch it at home. I’m more than happy to pay for the 2D version if some studio exec would like to let me know where to send my cheque for $17.