Moving to a brand new city where you don’t know anyone? Fuh-fuh-frightening. Not for this guy who posted on Craigslist looking for a roommate. In his words, he’s a master chef of yellow squash carpaccio, Vonnegut reader, James Fucking Taylor on the geetar and not a racist.
This 25-year-old marketing agent from Alabama is looking for a roommate in San Francisco and since SF is accepting of all people, I’ll be highly disappointed in that city (and in our country) if Steve doesn’t find a roommate. I’m not sure if his name is Steve by the way, he just sounds like a Steve so I’m rolling with it.
I don’t know what it is about him, I mean, he’s probably a BRO to the nth power but his exquisite use of f-bombs juxtaposed with dashes of niceties is inspiring. And let’s not even get into the stellar ALL CAPS usage and overall conversational tone. A man after my own heart, if you will. Check it out:
A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I’m just like, “Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it’s not mine.” I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don’t eat meat? That’s fucking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.
Just take that in. He starts like any ol’ guy who’s desperate for a roommate but then quickly shifts gear into top speed mode where he won’t mess with your shit (while still remaining desperate though not reeking of it) then shifts down again saying he’ll clean toilets and then hits the NOS button and all ins this post with the golden bullet: cooking. Come on, can you say no to green tomatoes covered in bearnaise smothered crab meat EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT?!
Steve comes with no baggage either! Just “two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip”. You see, he’s not going to be that roommate who steals your phone charger. his phone comes with one.
And though his references may be dated (Konichiwa bitches? Tuesdays with Morrie?), if you need a roommate in San Francisco, please consider him. He’ll offer up his sexual history and 10 girls he wants to bang before he dies list (which to be honest, is more indicative of roommate quality than a silly credit report). Read the epic post over at Craigslist. [Craigslist]