7 Tools To Quit Smoking (Almost) Cold Turkey

Good call on deciding to stop smoking but, fair warning, the next few weeks are going to suck mad donkey balls. These seven smoking cessation devices will help make breaking the habit a bit more tolerable.

Filtrim

Smoking a cigarette with a tear in the paper is nearly impossible — you get no draw. The Filtrim device works on the same idea. It perforates the cigarette paper to lessen the draw, cool temperature of the burn (and thereby reduce the amount of chemicals produced). As you ween yourself, just add more and more perforations to further reduce the nicotine intake until that cancer stick looks like Danny Trejo’s face. $US47.

Cessation Hypnosis

Apparently the same techniques used to make you quack like a duck whenever someone says “rutabaga” can also make you stop smoking cigarettes. This kit from Hypnosis Downloads includes a 10-step plan and follow-up email reminders that you are getting sleepy… veeeeeery sleepy. $US97.

AcuOne

“Electro-acupuncture” is apparently a real thing. And, having “real thing” status, it apparently helps both curb cigarette cravings and increases weight loss by gently shocking Chakra points on the inside of your right wrist for two minutes at a time, 8-15 times a day. I mean think about it: if electro-acupuncture weren’t a real thing, would they be selling it on the internet?! $US81.

V2 electronic cigarettes

E-Cigarettes are vaporisers that (marginally) resemble the real thing in appearance and function. A heating element boils minute amounts of a nicotine-laced tincture that are inhaled with water vapour rather than actually burned, meaning you can wean your way off the stuff without torching your lungs. The V2 also includes numerous flavours such as Cowboy, Congress, Sahara, Coffee, Vanilla and Cola. So does the Congress flavour taste like money or bullshit? $US90.

Quit Key

Since you lack the willpower to control your habits on your own, the QuitKey computer will control those habits in your stead. It alters your smoking pattern, gradually stepping down the rate at which you light up. It does so by designing an individualised process, based on your personal smoking habits, then slowly lengthening the time between sanctioned smokes. The tough part for you? Taking orders from a cold-hearted machine who doesn’t know the meaning of withdrawal. $US60.

Nicostopper

So the problem with the QuitKey is you can turn it off. The Nicostopper, on the other hand, works much like the QuitKey but locks the cigarettes within itself and only dispenses them at specific intervals. It’s also $US300, which you should remember when you’ve grown tired of being bossed around by a glorified egg timer and go for a hammer. $US300.

Quitter App

Ex-smokers love to brag about how much money they’ve saved since they’ve given up the sticks. You can use that same sense of smug self-satisfaction as motivation to keep up your efforts. Just enter the amount of cigarettes you smoke on an average day and the price of a pack and the Quitter App for iOS will track how much money you’ve saved, and how long you’ve been on the wagon. Free.