100 People I Hate On Facebook

The friending, the liking, the status updating: sooner or later we all grow to hate it, but we can’t stop.

Facebook is made up of those dinner party guests who just won’t leave even though it’s late and everyone else left two hours ago. After a while, everything anyone does on Facebook becomes irritating.

With that in mind, here are a hundred people I hate on Facebook (edited down from my original list of 500 million).

1. People who have the new profile
2. People who still have the old profile
3. People who are always on Facebook
4. People who show up once a month and think they have the right to chime in
5. People who check-in
6. People who have a birthday today
7. People who friend everybody
8. People who only friend people they know well
9. People who friend me.
10. People who share their travel plans by listing the airport codes of the two cities separated by a little arrow. Goto —> hell
11. People who think it’s about the journey
12. People who think “LOL!” counts as quality feedback
13. People who think elaborating on a joke is the same as making a joke
14. People who complain about their relationships
15. People who try convince us their relationships are totally awesome
16. People who change their relationship status before telling me their relationship status has changed
17. People who “like” my wife (keep your thumbs-up away from my woman)
18. People who announce they’re going to be offline for awhile
19. People who play Farmville
20. People who complain about people who play Farmville without first seeing how irritating it is for themselves
21. People you who regularly tag you in their photo albums when it’s clearly a good photo of them and a bad photo of you
22. People who share party photos with people who weren’t invited to the party
23. People who post personal messages publicly (“Great seeing you last night!”)
24. Attractive people who aggressively share photos
25. People who post happy messages in the morning
26. People who are selling something
27. People who use Facebook to promote their company
28. People who use it for personal reasons
29. People who use it for political reasons
30. People who are overly enthusiastic about my updates
31. People who ignore my updates
32. People who share articles I’ve already seen
33. People who share articles I might have otherwise missed
34. People who comment on the Facebook blurb about an article without actually reading the article
35. People who never comment about anything
36. People who post their tweets to Facebook
37. People who focus on superficial things
38. People who use Facebook to discus anything of meaning
39. People who post mysterious status updates in an effort to get others to comment: “OMG, what do you mean? Everything OK?”
40. People who comment: “OMG, what do you mean?”
41. People who respond to rhetorical statements
42. People who just changed their profile photo
43. People who were hot as hell in seventh grade but who never share any current photos (and never apologise for ignoring you in Junior High)
44. People who were ugly in junior high and resent those who at least were attractive for a while
45. People who see child abuse as a serious problem and then who think: “Maybe a cartoon avatar would help?”
46. People to whom I am clearly superior but who think I should make the first friending move
47. Inferior People who dare to send a friend request
48. People who in 2007 said, “Facebook has peaked, what’s the next thing?”
49. People who are too old for this stuff
50. People who are too young for this stuff
51. People who think they’re the first ones to say, “I wish FB had a hate button.”
52. People who are overly nice
53. People who share joy
54. People who I’ve known since childhood
55. People I just met.
56. People who complain
57. People with ugly kid photos
58. People whose kids are more photogenic than mine
59. People who try to chat even though we haven’t seen each other for five years
60. People who try to chat even though we talk everyday
61. People who try to chat
62. People who go offline when I try to chat with them
63. People who poke me.
64. People who wish me happy birthday on Facebook
65. People who don’t
66. People who see you in person and then repeat the same story they already posted to Facebook and then just stand there until you say, “OK, like.”
67. People who post what they just ate or anything about their digestive system
68. People who share their exercise routine
69. People who share their schedule
70. People who share
71. People who try to be clever
72. People who try to be funny
73. People with the best of intentions
74. People who are thoughtful
75. People who type before thinking
76. People who complain about changes made to Facebook
77. People who passively agree to changes on Facebook
78. People who refuse to use Facebook because everyone else is using it
79. People who use the @ sign even though that only works on another site
80. People who think “I made some changes to my profile page” is a valid answer to the question: “What did you do today?”
81. People you don’t know comment on photos of your family members
82. People who ask favors
83. People who share that they are sick, feel good, can’t sleep or just woke up
84. People who post about the weather
85. People who mention anything related to Burning Man
86. People who share stuff that everyone in the world has already seen, get no response, and then share it again
87. People who aren’t sure about a joke they want to make and so they preface it with: “Overheard:”
88. People who use the phrase “note to self” anywhere other than in the silent privacy of their own mind
89. People who write wonderful things about their new boyfriend even though we can all see that the dude is a chump and the same person will be writing terrible things about him in a few months and then expecting us to be surprised and supportive
90. People who think mentioning something about Darfur is going to somehow benefit the People in Darfur because every little bit counts
91. People who can’t accept that not all cats are cute and/or interesting
92. People who believe that you’ll be happy about their good fortune
93. People who are wildly uninteresting and painfully unfunny yet have a lot more friends than I do
94. People who write the phrase: “Um…OK”
95. People who post song lyrics
96. People who share YouTube videos that have already been viewed 400 million times
97. People who make snarky comments about Sarah Palin
98. People who are Sarah Palin
99. People who stay on Facebook even though they hate everyone on it
100. People who use Friendster

Illustration by contributing illustrator Sam Spratt. Check out Sam’s portfolio and become a fan of his Facebook Artist’s Page.