Let’s Count The Ways NES Modders Have Decimated My Fondest Childhood Memories

So a new, potentially very popular Mario title comes out today. Sweet, sweet nostalgia. To celebrate, let’s revisit all the 2009 NES hacks and mods that have, thus far, utterly destroyed or otherwise corrupted my most cherished memories, shall we?

Our first mod is a relatively recent one. The modder took a nice, fully functioning Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt combo cartridge, gutted it and turned it into an admittedly clean and portable NES emulator. Sure, the gutting made most of my 1986 memories fade into a terrifying pit of blackness, but at least this wasn’t a golden Legend of Zelda cartridge or anything.

Christ! That’s ugly. But pimpin’ ain’t easy, so we’ll give it a break. Unfortunately for me, my psyche receives no such break, and I am reduced to but two hearts, and my Master Sword no longer shoots laser beams.

The greatest platformer ever created by human hands, now a lowly 160GB USB drive. When will the insanity end?

Never, apparently. A mere month before the Super Mario Bros. 3 USB “creation” came to light, someone took a classic Game Boy, removed everything in it that made it a timeless piece of video game lore and replaced it with a hard drive. Half a heart left, and there’s this incessant beeping in my ears. Jack needs food, badly.

When I grip an NES control pad in my hands, its hard edges digging unforgivably into the soft flesh, I go to my happy place. When modder Taylor Merrill does the same, he hears the theme song from Sanford and Son. He also hears friends and relatives because he managed to get a Samsung Eternity phone into the controller that defined a generation of early console gamers. Good for you all. My childhood just ran into a goomba, jumped straight up into the air and fell off the screen.