Geek Out

I Ate The Windows 7 Burger

2:00AM November 1, 2009 | Jason Chen

Today I ate two things: whale steak and the Windows 7 burger. Only one of these meals made me want to vomit.

CheapyD, who’s no stranger to eating gigantic-ass burgers (I had that burger earlier in the week too), tried his mouth on the Windows 7 burger with his buddy. I physically couldn’t watch his video while writing this post because it the gastrointestinal wound was too fresh, so I don’t know if he liked it or not — I just know that he finished the thing with his buddy.

I, on the other hand, tried to consume the thing with my wife, and the two of us couldn’t quite manage to finish it. Not so much that we weren’t hungry, we just couldn’t stand the taste of it anymore. It was hard to actually even hold, being made out of two flimsy pieces of bread soaked in the juices from seven pieces of meat. There are a few problems with the way they made this burger. One, there’s no cheese. Two, there’s barely anything else besides meat. It would have been much more appetising if they had made the tomatoes and lettuce and onions in proportion to the meat. As is, in the Shibuya, Tokyo store at least, there was one slice of lettuce, a few tomatoes and not much of anything else.

How does it taste? How do you think it tastes? It’s seven pieces of Burger King meat. There’s no way I would eat this thing normally. I did it for you. Oh, and it’s not ¥777 (around $9.60) — it’s goddamn ¥1450 (around $17.90). The only people who got the ¥777 deal were the ones who showed up at launch, or on a first-come-first-served basis. I couldn’t understand the tellers well enough to get the story straight. Point is, it’s not only ridiculously bad, it’s expensive too.

This is meat followed by meat, washed down by meat. You start with an appetiser of meat, then maybe a meat salad and some meat soup, perhaps interjected by a meat meat, then moving on to the entrée of meat, enhanced by a bottle of your best red meat. Oh waiter, what’s for dessert? Is it meat? Oh this chef is so creative.

Since I am not a snake, I couldn’t unhinge my jaw to get the entire burger into my mouth at once. The best way, we found, was to eat it like an ice cream sundae; by hacking away at its sides with a fork. We were like chefs at a Greek restaurant, chipping at a a gigantic clump of flesh a little bit at a time; except there was no falafel at the end of this, just more F-grade ground beef. As shown in the video, you’re going to be eating meat almost all the time, with a little bit of bread and tomato occasionally as frosting.

The proportions were similar to Adam’s giant cheeto, in that too much of the inside of a thing totally screws up the delicate balance set forth by its maker. If you had an Oreo that was 10cm of frosting and two normal-sized biscuits on the end, you’d quickly discover that nature, like Nabisco, knows the meaning of moderation.

To recreate this Windows 7 burger for yourself without having to travel to Japan, head to Burger King and order a Whopper. Then throw a 10-dollar bill down and ask them to make six more patties as disgustingly as possible.

I’ve been in Tokyo a week, and I can say that, for the most part, Japanese people are quite thin thanks to their normal diet. This Windows 7 burger must be Microsoft’s way to get them up to the US range in order to make us feel better about ourselves.

Oh and as you probably guessed already, the burger was the thing that made me want to vomit — the whale actually tasted pretty good. Kinda like a tough steak. And whale tongue? That was even better. Fried whale was kinda weird, but edible.

Unless Apple decides to make a Snow Leopard Big Leopard Mac promotion with McDonalds, I’ll see you all in a week when I’m back from Japan.

Comments

  • David Anderton

    November 2, 2009 at 1:23 AM

    you ate whale… not cool

    • Red T-Rex

      November 2, 2009 at 4:20 PM

      Yeah, I agree. Definitely not cool.

      • chris

        November 3, 2009 at 7:36 AM

        Eating whale eh? Dude that’s so not cool. Srsly.

  • Jock

    November 2, 2009 at 7:23 AM

    I didn’t know that lettuce came in slices…

  • JAck

    November 2, 2009 at 9:20 AM

    The burger looks like it could induce a heart attack in a mouthfull lol

  • Ben

    November 2, 2009 at 9:23 AM

    Why the Hell would you condone The slaughter of Whales by actually eating it??

    • Death Duck

      November 2, 2009 at 12:18 PM

      @ Ben

      Why would you condone the slaughter of chickens and cows by eating them? What makes you some kind of moral compass able to decide which lives are worthy of being saved and others are not? What makes a cow’s life less valuable than a whales? Either go vegan or stop being such a pussy.

      I’ve always wondered what whale tastes like. I just got back from Switzerland and had a horse steak there. Wasn’t too bad.

  • David Anderton

    November 3, 2009 at 1:06 AM

    Whales and Dolphins are far more inteligent than cows and cows are slaughtered humainly(in most countries) not shot by a giant spear and dragged back to a boat only to be cut up while still alive. The way the japs kill dolphins is even worse…

  • hey

    November 3, 2009 at 3:14 PM

    The actual served whale for eating isnt an endangered species anymore. Look it up for yourselves. You may find that this special species grows rapidly even with being hunted.

    And for slaughtering cows “humanly” this is only in action for 15 years or so, and only for West Europe and the USA. I live near East Europe Border in Germany… Being that close to such Nations, i dont have the feeling that “most” nations slaughter cows humanly…

    So theres no difference in the “process” of acquiring and the kind of whale which is served is not endangered. I dont see a problem.

    • Bilal

      July 23, 2010 at 3:12 AM

      @ hey

      Actually, cows and lots of other animals are being slaughtered by Muslims “humanly” for more than 1400 years.. not 15 years or so.. To lazy to check the world’s Muslim population but it’s a lot..

      and I’m not a specialist in this area but do you think they carefully check which specie they’re hunting (endangered or not)?
      Also, Whales take a very long time to reproduce.. and if a few more countries start this kind of practice, there will be very few left (aka endangered/extinct).

  • ima

    February 24, 2011 at 12:29 PM

    Eating whales is bad karma dude…what goes around comes around.

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