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Reminder: World Ends Tomorrow, Have Sex, Don't Do Your Homework
Posted by Jesus Diaz at 6:40 AM on August 8, 2008
Hookay. So, you all know the Large Hadron Collider by now, the oh-so-pretty particle accelerator thingamajig that will implode taking the whole planet with it. Yeah, that one. Well, it is now T minus 24 hours from ignition. The end of the world, people. In fact, you have less than 24 hours to do everything you wanted to do before dying. Right now. Make a list and start right now. I did mine already:
- First, give a long hug to all my friends.
- Learn to sail.
- Fish a salmon and eat the whole thing as sashimi.
- Call Addy and tell her I love her.
- Call Ana, my first wife, and tell her that she's still a damn lying bitch with a fat ass.
- Get in bed with the hot, big-boobed swedish bartender in front of me--I'm in a cafe in Hunnebo, Sweden, right now.
- Get the hot swedish waitress in bed too--trust me, I have reasons for this.
- Steal the Harley parked outside the café and drive at 160kph to Gothenburg's airport.
- Buy tickets to Miami on the company's card--don't worry Nick, you won't have to pay for that. It's the end of the world.
- Find Lindsay Joy's address.
- Get her naked with all her Lego bricks.
- Post pictures in Gizmodo.
- Get in bed with her and the two swedes (yes, they came with me--the trip to Miami is too long).
- Steal a supersonic jet.
- Fly to Cupertino.
- Break into the secret vault with the help of the two swedes--by their looks, they have to be ninjas--and Lindsay dressed as Elektra.
- Have sex with the two swedes, Lindsay, and Steve Jobs.
- Have Jason liveblog the whole thing while Brian takes pictures.
- Burn the secret vault.
- Watch the whole campus burn while listening to Tom Waits, having a six-hand massage, drinking margaritas, waiting for the whole universe to implode.
I know, it's less than 24 hours to planetary mayhem, but if Santa Claus can visit the home of every kid in the world to deliver presents, Jesus gets to do all that in 12 hours. In any case, I can only hope there's no more delays and the whole thing explodes--or I'm screwed.
Seriously, the planet may not assplode, but you never know. If you really had to do something before tomorrow, what would you do? [LHC]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
Grant Wolfe
Posted September 11, 2008 12:20 PM
well the test went down, it works. and if you assholes would even bother to read the whole thing not just the fancy word BLACK HOLE ( i know the word kicks ass ) but they say that they would be too small to even suck in anything befor decaying. but your story still kicked ass
arcanedark
Posted 8:11 PM 8/8/08
they should have had a world wide vote for something like this.
because it may affect us all when they turn it on...
... by it affecting us i mean us dying from the implosion.
lol.
arcanedark
MartyrByFire
Posted 8:10 PM 8/8/08
Thank god it's Sept 10th, I won't have to hear people bitch on Sept 11th.
MartyrByFire
Git Em SteveDave displays attention-grabbing vanity
Posted 8:03 PM 8/8/08
I need to move to Sweden.
Git Em SteveDave displays attention-grabbing vanity
ps61318
Posted 8:01 PM 8/8/08
Straight from the ministry of truth...
ps61318
vballas
Posted 8:32 PM 8/8/08
Fantastic article, made my day.
Thanxs Jason
vballas
FullyShadow
Posted 8:16 PM 8/8/08
we all know sex is a prime factor before the world ends, so that will be in the agenda for everyone! but other than sex i would love to buy or loot a rigged out pc and run crysis at high settings!!! =D
FullyShadow
SpyderMS
Posted 9:01 PM 8/8/08
Well at least I got some sex out of this...
Oh christ, who am I kidding :'(
SpyderMS
bobdobbs
Posted 8:58 PM 8/8/08
"Mommy, Jesus says the world is going to explode soon. Can we go to Sweden?"
bobdobbs
Fuzi Lojak
Posted 8:58 PM 8/8/08
@Itsuru: Guess you're getting a BIG surprise for your birthday! :(
Fuzi Lojak
Blakamin
Posted 8:58 PM 8/8/08
Ya never know, it might be all the last minute humping that throws the world off-axis and kills us all.
I know I wont get to find out, my mrs is in the first trimester (morning and arvo and me sickness... she is sick with them all!)
Blakamin
Fuzi Lojak
Posted 8:57 PM 8/8/08
I wasn't worried until they kept postponing the thing. Now I'm afraid they're not so sure it won't kill us all.
Fuzi Lojak
Itsuru
Posted 8:56 PM 8/8/08
10th of September is my Birthday :(
Itsuru
nosauten
Posted 8:52 PM 8/8/08
LOL!!! I love the captions in the picture.
nosauten
TimurY
Posted 8:44 PM 8/8/08
Did Lindsay Joy complain? ;)
TimurY
urbanpup
Posted 9:16 PM 8/8/08
Funny thing is that only the geeks will be having sex as the rest of the human race will be completely unaware that the world is about to end.
Troubling thing is, unless said geeks are hot, that'll be a lot of ugly geek on geek sex out there!
urbanpup
Jesus Diaz
Posted 9:15 PM 8/8/08
@TimurY: No. But Uma called.
Jesus Diaz
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
Posted 9:50 PM 8/8/08
I'd scratch Jobs off the list. I read he's a selfish lover who will only leave you weeping at the foot of the bed.
Unless you like that sort of thing.
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
B1663R
Posted 9:45 PM 8/8/08
why is it that whenever the world is about to end people are drawn to sex? is there some bizarre end of the world sex fetish or something?
i think a crime spree would be more appropriate, I'm talking about going all GTA IV in some city I've never been to.
B1663R
Curves
Posted 10:17 PM 8/8/08
@Blakamin: If we all live, you will more than make up for lost time (or sex) in the second trimester. Get your sleep now. ;)
Curves
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
Posted 10:15 PM 8/8/08
@OMG! Ponies!: Suspicion already runs deep involving my browser history, since that and my recent items menu are always completely empty.
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
OMG! Ponies!
Posted 9:57 PM 8/8/08
I crossed Uma off my list back in college. She smokes way too much and has crap taste in music.
Now Girlie... she has great taste in music. She's teh awesomes. And I don't just say that because she checks out my browser history on a regular basis.
OMG! Ponies!
Jesus Diaz
Posted 9:56 PM 8/8/08
@B1663R: History has shown that people are drawn to sex in the face of annihilation and times of uncertainty.
Jesus Diaz
UltimateIdiot
Posted 9:56 PM 8/8/08
=[ damn it, Evolution is too slow. I guess I have to go with exposing myself to radiation to gain superpowers.
UltimateIdiot
jonthomasdesigns
Posted 10:43 PM 8/8/08
@rabiddachshund: 12 Monkeys .. Wow its a classic , go rent it
jonthomasdesigns
Benny Goldman
Posted 10:41 PM 8/8/08
At least you finally admit that you want to have sex with Steve Jobs.
Benny Goldman
rabiddachshund
Posted 10:39 PM 8/8/08
Is that Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis in the pic? What movie is that?
rabiddachshund
SlipperyWhenWet
Posted 10:24 PM 8/8/08
Well, according to the LHC blog, a huge explosion that destroys the world won't/shouldn't happen. It'll just eliminate the area it's installed at, so as long as you're here in the USA with Uma and the swedes Jesus, you should be safe.
SlipperyWhenWet
Lestat
Posted 10:24 PM 8/8/08
Oh happy me. Now I can see my gf again before the world ends! In fact, she will be going back home 2 days after this thing starts... at least I get 1 more moment of happiness :)
Lestat
theespacepope
Posted 10:22 PM 8/8/08
Well at least now I can still go to PAX. Which is all that really matters.
theespacepope
Maxxofor
Posted 10:21 PM 8/8/08
*throws the Kama Sutra at Jesus* This outta keep you busy until the 10th.
Maxxofor
Gann
Posted 10:20 PM 8/8/08
@Jesus Diaz:what better way to go out than leaving a little something behind. Not that'd it really matter this time. Oh god we're screwed.
Gann
apeguero
Posted 11:07 PM 8/8/08
@vinnyr: Well said sir. I would do the same, plus I would add: throw stinky eggs at him and make sure they freakin' hit.
apeguero
apeguero
Posted 11:06 PM 8/8/08
Hay Jesus! I had a nice image in my mind brewing up until you had to insert Jobs and sex and 3 girls. It was the screeching halt sound from the movies too man :) But, if you're down with that kind of stuff then, hey, you go boy.
BTW everyone: my wife gave birth to our new baby boy which we named Alexander. Healthy 7lbs 4oz little bundle of joy. The world just started for him.
apeguero
vinnyr
Posted 11:04 PM 8/8/08
I would do everything you would do but I would add, Kick Balmer in the nuts and hit him over the head with a computer.
vinnyr
takoattack
Posted 11:02 PM 8/8/08
sex with jobs?
takoattack
Jesus Diaz
Posted 10:59 PM 8/8/08
@Benny Goldman: I wanted sex with you first, but you won't have it.
Jesus Diaz
Priaptor
Posted 11:29 PM 8/8/08
What is this crap that the "World Ends". The end of people does not mean the end of the world. The world will be much better without people, will recreate itself and hopefully, the new top of the food chain will be better inhabitants of THE WORLD.
Priaptor
vinnyr
Posted 11:13 PM 8/8/08
@apeguero: Even Better!
P.S. Congrats on your new baby!
vinnyr
ANoel
Posted 11:11 PM 8/8/08
Who knew Jesus only believed in Death after Life?
ANoel
Lestat
Posted 11:49 PM 8/8/08
@GeekyNerdGuy: LOL, how true.
Lestat
GeekyNerdGuy
Posted 11:44 PM 8/8/08
I'm glad the comments on this were broken yesterday. It would have been the thread where we all tell each other what we really think, then awkwardly have to face each other the next morning.
Wait, that's every thread.
GeekyNerdGuy
89macrunner
Posted 11:41 PM 8/8/08
i was too busy having sex and not doing my homework....
looks like ill be taking calculus again this fall...............shit
89macrunner
thrashanddestroy
Posted 11:38 PM 8/8/08
September 10th? Oh come on, another month? Not cool. Also set to be the last day of my vacation, so if LHC does crack this rock in half, three cheers for not having to go back to work!
thrashanddestroy
Joseph
Posted 11:37 PM 8/8/08
Crying wolf... the world is never gonna end!
Joseph
ANoel
Posted 11:35 PM 8/8/08
@apeguero:
Alexander. Great! Congrats!
ANoel
ps61318
Posted 12:21 AM 9/8/08
I... I thought that's how it's supposed to go....
ps61318
ps61318
Posted 12:20 AM 9/8/08
@apeguero: Mazel Tov! Did I miss the bris? Darn. Anyway, May he live a long and happy life - and don't let him read this blog until he's, like, forty.
ps61318
EL_RIEL
Posted 12:08 AM 9/8/08
haha awesome , on of the best posts in Gizmodo, thanks Jesus...
*goes out to buy some flying tickets from mexico to sweden, 6 months no interest.. CC bill see you in hell!!
EL_RIEL
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
Posted 12:08 AM 9/8/08
@GeekyNerdGuy: Yeah, I had one all planned out too. I was like "DAMN FOILED AGAIN!"
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
Macdelaney
Posted 12:06 AM 9/8/08
@MartyrByFire: You made my morning!
Macdelaney
Paradise
Posted 12:41 AM 9/8/08
where's jack bauer when we need him?
Paradise
ps61318
Posted 12:39 AM 9/8/08
@bxstrb: No, that would be pretty much everyone. You are, however, the only one to mention it today. Congrats!
ps61318
bxstrb
Posted 12:35 AM 9/8/08
Everytime I see this, am I the only one that reads that as "Large Hardon Collider"???
bxstrb
sisedi
Posted 12:29 AM 9/8/08
E=mc^2, people! There is a ton of energy in those two particles but not nearly enough to take out the Earth and that's assuming that upon collision they will break down into pure energy and go nuts in Mr. Pipe.
sisedi
ps61318
Posted 12:26 AM 9/8/08
@Priaptor: You need to do your research, my friend. This one is about the End of the WORLD not just the people for a change.
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.
Oh, and kudos to Senor Diaz for setting the bar for professional journalism here on Gizmodo. Next time anyone gives Giz trouble about press credentials, just wave this piece at them - that will convince them how serious they are about their art. /snarkasm
I still laughed, I admit.
ps61318
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
Posted 1:13 AM 9/8/08
@Maxxofor: The Kama Sutra is a painful reminder of how far we've fallen when it comes to flexibility. It sits there, mocking us, and reminding us, and mocking us some more.
But, since we're on the subject, the Pop-Up Kama Sutra is worth giving this a look. Don't bother trying to find one in a bookstore, as they're almost always worn to hell.
[www.amazon.com]
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
ヨシダさん 25
Posted 1:05 AM 9/8/08
Does anyone have a Sens-O-Matic and know how I can stowaway on a Vogon ship?
ヨシダさん 25
FredicvsMaximvs
Posted 12:55 AM 9/8/08
@ps61318: My guess is that even Minitrue has a line they realize (belatedly) they shouldn't cross. And yes, it made me laugh too. (V2.0 more than 1.0.)
@Maxxofor:
I'm just going to read that line over and over again. [chuckle]
FredicvsMaximvs
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
Posted 12:52 AM 9/8/08
@bxstrb: No, you certainly are not the only one.
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
ps61318
Posted 1:36 AM 9/8/08
@Zlevee: ya THINK?
ps61318
Zlevee
Posted 1:18 AM 9/8/08
@GeekyNerdGuy: Seems to me that the commenting was blocked intentionally. Whatev, the post is now much more responsible/respectable.
Zlevee
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
Posted 1:15 AM 9/8/08
@ヨシダさん 25: Not sure if that would help at all, since after being subjected to the third worst poetry in the universe, you'd then be expunged from the ship, and what with space being the mindboggling size it is, the chances of getting picked up by another ship within those thirty seconds are two to the power of two hundred and seventy-six thousand seven hundred and nine to one against. So I'd just grin and bear it if I were you.
Kaiser-Machead's WALL-E fetish
the1sen
Posted 2:34 AM 9/8/08
i thought the world was going to end this morning, so i canceled my whole day so i could watch the planet get sucked into the 10th level of hell, and now they go changing dates on me??
i'm going to have to have a talk with these scientists. their scheduling can be a real inconvenience.
the1sen
FritzLaurel
Posted 3:09 AM 9/8/08
At this rate, it'll be 2012 before they turn the thing on and prove that the Myans right were right.
FritzLaurel
HeartBurnKid, creepy morbid freak
Posted 3:07 AM 9/8/08
Oh, cool, now I can still see Motorhead and Heaven And Hell at the end of the month.
HeartBurnKid, creepy morbid freak
tameanaka
Posted 4:06 AM 9/8/08
They didn't want to risk destroying the olympics.
tameanaka
GadgetPlay
Posted 4:01 AM 9/8/08
@Paradise: "where's jack bauer when we need him?"
He said something about Sweden...
GadgetPlay
SteveYEAH
Posted 4:25 AM 9/8/08
"The initial particle beams are due for injection in August 2008 [2] the first attempt to circulate beam through the entire LHC is scheduled for September 10, 2008,[3] and the first high-energy collisions are planned to take place after the LHC is officially unveiled, on October 21, 2008.[4]"
This whole time it was on lately was just to bring the thing down to temperature. And another interesting thing was that no one really cared. A fourth of people interviewed about the end of the world didn't care.
SteveYEAH
mferrari
Posted 5:18 AM 9/8/08
Wait what happened to LindsayJoy and Legos!
I just made the same comment I would have yesterday. What are these shenanigans?!?
mferrari
mferrari
Posted 5:16 AM 9/8/08
First of all, I knew from the start that Jesus's fantasy would somehow involve sex with LindsayJoy , Legos, and/or Steve Jobs.
And, I am happy that I will live to my 15th birthday and get my learners permit. Sadly I can't scratch a crazy Lego 3-some off my list, but I can check off driving.
mferrari
Priaptor
Posted 5:23 AM 9/8/08
ps61318, sorry man.
I was really hoping it was just the end of mankind. That really ruins it for the other inhabitants of this planet.
I was figuring if G-d really had his way, he would take out dogs first for being so blindly loyal and nice to humans.
Well I guess if destroying the world is the only way to get rid of humans so be it.
Priaptor
Alcevious
Posted 5:53 AM 9/8/08
So long as you're listening to Tom Waits it can't be that bad.
Alcevious
tvinstall
Posted 5:16 AM 9/8/08
safety concerns have been expressed by many in various scientific journals, mainly pertaining to:
1. Micro blackholes, according to the 'standard calculations' these are harmless because they would quickly decay by Hawking radiation, the problem is that Hawking radiation (which is still debated) is not yet an experimentally-tested phenomenon, and so micro black holes might not decay as rapidly as calculated, and accumulate inside the earth and eventually devour it.
2. If the hypothetical Strangelets exist, and produced at LHC, they could initiate a uncontrolable fusion where the nuclei in the planet were converted to strange matter.
For more see PashaLaw.blogspot.com
tvinstall
GiacobbePriscus
Posted 7:20 AM 8/8/08
Huh? I thought tomorrow was just finishing a cool down. Their website has been saying the startup for the first beam to circulate is going to be on September 10th. http://lhc-first-beam.web.cern.ch/lhc-first-beam/Welcome.html
GiacobbePriscus
StopTheLHC
Posted 6:24 AM 9/8/08
Great, another month...
StopTheLHC
vinnyr
Posted 6:52 AM 9/8/08
To the bomb shelter!!! You all told me i was crazy to build a 30000 sq foot bomb shelter but who's laughing now... where are my keys... my keys... I locked my bomb shelter keys in my bomb shelter... no!!!!!
vinnyr
gloveofpower
Posted 7:04 AM 9/8/08
Hehehe, the original post is one of the funniest things I've ever read on here. Seriously, I was cracking up yesterday
I wanna see revision 2.0 of your 'last-day-alive' plans on September 9th.
gloveofpower
StopTheLHC
Posted 7:36 AM 9/8/08
@vinnyr: A bomb shelter won't help...
StopTheLHC
Kaveh
Posted 7:30 AM 9/8/08
@SteveYEAH: Good find! So we actually have until October 21... not Sept 10. Sweet!
Also:
"In addition to the Higgs boson, other theorized novel particles that might be produced, and for which searches[6] are planned, include strangelets, micro black holes, magnetic monopoles and supersymmetric particles.[7]"
Haha... what idiots. Why are they SEARCHING for these nasties??? I truly hope they don't find them.
Kaveh
apeguero
Posted 8:38 AM 9/8/08
@ps61318:
@vinnyr:
@ANoel:
Thanks for the kind words :) I'll make sure my son is at least 21 before I introduce him to my favorite website. Of course, knowing kids, I'm sure he'll be able to show me a thing or two about the internet before he reaches that age :)
apeguero
greycobalt
Posted 10:16 AM 9/8/08
@Paradise: WHO'S THE COLLIDER WORKING FOR!?
But yeah, it would suck if the world exploded.
greycobalt
trendspotter
Posted 2:44 PM 9/8/08
Yay, my birthday, too :D
trendspotter
srmdesi
Posted 4:25 PM 9/8/08
Sex with jobs? Freudian slip, I am sure. Well, all the best.
srmdesi
DaSmith
Posted 2:04 AM 10/8/08
I've got a theory why they delayed the start up... The saw your long long list of things to do, and they decided to give you more time for it. So do it! :D
DaSmith
Aglet
Posted 4:42 AM 11/8/08
Why are you in Sweden, and why haven't you visited me?
I'll help you with the bar maids and be your interpreter ^^
Aglet
Pi-face
Posted 3:54 PM 11/8/08
@FullyShadow: Now THAT would destroy the world.
@Priaptor: Um, do you think a black hole would only consume people? And the world would be neither better nor worse without people. What standards are you using to judge?
@Priaptor: Why the hell do you hate humanity so much? Changing the earth does not mean that we are harming it. Even if we leave the earth burnt and acidic, who's to say that it's worse off than before? You obviously don't value life, so what is it that you think is valuable about the earth/universe 's current situation?
Pi-face