Tragedy today, as Apple CEO Steve Jobs was eaten by wolves. He was delicious.

werk

Any chance someone can find that Simpsons clip of the squeaking dolphin which translated to "YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE"

Seems fitting in this case, and it ranks in the top five funniest things i've ever seen on television.

General Halfshaftery

Steve should actually thank bloomberg for giving him the perfect opening to his next speech:

"Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated"

lpranal

They should have took a guess at the cause of death. Steve jobs was killed today by an iphone.....

hu_hu_cool

So he has risen again? Heck, I thought only Jesus could do that ;)

twilight-arc

That would be scary sh** to see an article about your death. Maybe they're plotting.

and who is this Connie guglielmo person, and when did she write this? I bet that's his assassin!

wolfenstein-3d

Dream Big, Live Large and have a good looking Obituary. Just think what His-Steveness can do in his second coming. He didnt even have to wait 3 days.

Curves

I think less people would care now than a few months ago if Steve was dead given the monumental screwup over the 3g iPhone! even the fanboys seem to be getting fed up with all the non-fixes

podgedog

I update my death announcement daily, and my iPhone is synced to a bluetooth biometric monitor that will automatically email it to all major news outlets if my heart stops.

Of course, it's accidentally been mailed twice already, and no one has yet to report it.

GeekyNerdGuy

I e-mailed Steve Jobs last night complaining about my iphone and "he" replied... lol

WizardlyLou

LOLOLOLOLOOLOLOOLLOLOLOOLOLL

MastaFalse

I have to admit I was unfamiliar with the story of his adoption, and the fact that his parents stayed together and went on to have a daughter that became a best-selling author.

Kind of intense experience to deal with I would think.

It's also worth checking out the Gawker story just to see the list of "go to" contacts Bloomberg has chosen for immediate responses.

Sorry for the shock to the system Steve, but it was totally worth it to get this kind of back-stage peak.

92BuickLeSabre

Freudian slip? maybe they got shares on Microsoft

mario.morales

Whoopsie, my bad!

BloggyMcBlogBlog

"CALIFORNIA -- Shares of Apple, Inc plunged 50% when Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, has passed away."

outie

@myself: Oh, and "Snorky.......talk.......man"

Kaiser-Machead's Apostrophe's Power

@General Halfshaftery: I loved that bit with the killer dophins. Unfortunately, because of tighter copyright smackdowns, a lot of clips have disappeared.

Kaiser-Machead's Apostrophe's Power

@BigDogues: Oh yes, I would crap my pants lol.

Jon B.

It would have really been eerie if the obit already had a future date on it.

BigDogues

@lpranal: Yes yes yes. Unless it comes out as a downer. Which is possible, what with everyone worried about His Steveness.

The Magnificen7

@werk: Wouldn't it be more ironic if it was by foxes?

/Firefox'd

theblackdog

@Strong Arm: Jobs Market Crashes: Steve Leaves, Many Grieve.

Return of DaOtter

@werk: [www.videosift.com]

Return of DaOtter

He seriously has 9 lives that guy

User Formerly known as Arelar

If they need a good title they should use 'No more jobs for Jobs'.

Strong Arm

"I'm not dead! I don't want to go on the cart!"

TimeTourist

stock up now
[finance.yahoo.com]

Boognish

"A Buddhist practitioner, Mr. Jobs attained enlightenment on September 7, 1985, halting the karmic wheel which would have assured his reincarnation. No, it appears that Mr. Jobs will definitely not be coming back."

mildretard

This is where the CTRL + Z of life comes in handy.

Joseph

@outie: Which is exactly what will happen!

Blue Oyster Cultist

Can I have Steve's Job?

Dooosh

@mario.morales:
Freudian slips are generally sexual in nature.. I don't think Jobs' obituary is all that sexual (though you never know.. :|)

sugardeath

Is that why the stock is up?

aboriginal

@mildretard: I thought he was a bodhisattva who chose to stick around to help all the rest of us peons achieve oneness with the i+pod/phone/tunes/etc? He might've had more success had the whole AT&T exclusive iPhone bit and various 3g/app store issues not introduced more samsara to the mix.

GStyle

whoops, ^^^ @Kaiser-Machead on the Edge:

General Halfshaftery

The killer dolphins episode was one of the Treehouse of Horrors, but i found a transcript of the episode where the dolphins were mocking the imminent death of Homer, Flandres et al while they drifted in a lifeboat:

[www.snpp.com]

General Halfshaftery

@92BuickLeSabre: Mona Simpson is not only a best-selling author, but also the woman for whom the animated Homer Simpson's mother is named. True story.

emag

And just like that - BOOM! I'm back! Isn't that cool? This is so cool. -- Steve

Phineas J. Whoopie

Given Steve's adoption of the sub-300 calorie lifestyle, he's got at least another 50 years left in him.

OMG! Ponies!

They have the technology; they can make him better, stronger, faster, with multi-touch.

TSlade

Paul is dead, why not me?

saronian

@emag: Indeed, and I apologize for having my priorities out of order.

92BuickLeSabre

They're not getting anymore free iphones (or any mac products) thats for sure.

Playstation

@GeekyNerdGuy:

HahAHAH bluetooth.....oh you....

grayskyz

I think I'm going to XXXX after reading that.

Dakota Courtois

i think we are all forgetting how apple kept Steve's cancer quiet until the operation. If they did this, don't you think they could still keep quiet his death for awhile. Sad but true.

dman0586

This is the same source that just a week ago announced Stephanie Tubbs-Jones was dead, a full 10 hours before she truly passed.

toddkravos

OMG Steve Jobs is half Arabic! I'm full Arabic and now hate Arabs for the shit his dad did, God I'm pissed who gives their kid away damn.

Crash Override 777

We shouldn't speak ill of the d... Oh, right. Carry on!

@OMG! Ponies!: "Given Steve's adoption of the sub-300 calorie lifestyle, he's got at least another 50 years left in him."

At least it will seem like 50 years...to him, anyway. What's he live on, black coffee and pocket lint?

GadgetPlay

Really think Jobs should turn this into a publicity stunt and huge joke.

Like Mark Twain once said "News of my death has been greatly exaggerated"

thebear91

There's a bit of irony here, Jobs is Buddhist, yet many people refer to the iPhone as the Jesus Phone.

theblackdog

@Phineas J. Whoopie: ahhhh hahahaha

Duc

@outie: I think that just proved just how valuable Steve is to Apple's stock. I hope he has a great and likable replacement lined up.

DW

What is the purpose of writing obituaries in advance? Seems kinda creepy

Oasx

@Oasx: I was thinking the same as well.

Crash Override 777

Steve opens the newspaper...
Hey, look honey!
BLARG, I'M DED!
LOLOLOLOLO

Bokusatsu_Tenshi

I really had my hopes up...

Con Seannery

The original story was supposed about the death of windows. But.....

Bodie1550

@lpranal:

A great Mark Twain moment.

Bodie1550

He was TK? Those team-killing bastards!

Pablos102030

Haha... I wish my obituary would leak...

DJTripleRRR

C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this macintosh CEO what I
what I saw on stage not half an hour ago..
O: Oh yes, the, uh, Steve Jobs...What's,uh...What's wrong with him?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with him!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead CEO when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable CEO, the Steve Jobs, idn'it, ay? Beautiful color!
C: The color don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
'Ello, Steve Jobs! I've got a lovely fresh thing of Broccoli for you if
you show...
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the stage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the stage repeatedly) 'ELLO STEVE!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
C: Now that's what I call a dead macintosh.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Steve Jobs
stuns easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
Steve Jobs is definitely deceased, and when I watched steve not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that steve's total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired and shagged out following a prolonged speech.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why
did he fall flat on his back?
O: The Steve Jobs prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable CEO, id'nit,
squire? Lovely color!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that stage when I had a chance,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting at the desk in
the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed Steve down,
he would have taken over the whole computing industry, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this CEO wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
through him! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This CEO is no more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft
of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-CEO!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace him, then.
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
right out of Apple CEO's.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a Vista Box.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it Work?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

diefldrmas

"What is the purpose of writing obituaries in advance? Seems kinda creepy."

To be prepared to run the newsworthy story as soon as the person dies.

navamske17

"What is the purpose of writing obituaries in advance? Seems kinda creepy."

The purpose is to be prepared to run the obituary when the person dies. News organizations want to disseminate news as soon as it becomes available -- they can't see into the future and write about most things that haven't happened yet, but they do know for sure that everyone is going to die.

navamske17

my mac is way simplier and easier than my fucking samsung phone. if I could only afford a damn Iphone...

SmitaCanus

i will buy a few iphones to keep his soul happy!! NOT~!!

mabely