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Imperial Stormtroopers Arrest Santa, Emperor to Take Over Xmas
Posted by Jesus Diaz at 3:55 AM on December 17, 2007
SANTA'S FACTORY, North Pole (Agencies) - An Imperial Stormtrooper commando broke into Santa's Factory in the North Pole yesterday evening, killing an undetermined number of elves, arresting its owner and confiscating his sled. Joe Kwazansky, local spokesman for the Evil Galactic Empire in Los Angeles, appeared in a press conference this morning confirming the rumours of an Imperial takeover of Christmas' celebrations. "The Emperor wants to assure His subjects that Xmas will continue as planned. The pug-nosed fatso, however, will pay for his crimes," Mr. Kwazansky said amidst the palpable shock in the press corps.
Apparently, the arrest has occurred in connection with earlier reports on the manufacturing and stealth placement of Weapons of Mass Destruction:Answering questions about the causes of this assault and Santa Claus' detention, Mr. Kwazansky pointed out that Imperial Intelligence had undeniable proof of Santa's production of WMDs at his factory located near the North Pole. "He is also a perv, you know," he added, "a guy who goes around his house clad in red velvet and has underaged boys assisting him all day long. Illegal sex? Forced labor? You gotta be kidding. We have the patent on forced labour too. Ask the wookies."
Later in the press conference, Mr. Kwazansky, 48 years old and still living with his parents, revealed that Santa may have been stealing industrial secrets from Imperial-exclusive defence contractor Sienar Fleet Systems. "And what's with the bloody flying reindeers anyway?" he said, "how the Force do they fly? I bet they have Twin Ion Engines up their butts. That's classified technology, people. Fatso is finishing his days in the Great Pit of Carkoon, I tell you." The spokesperson left the stage laughing maniacally, muttering something about how Santa was going to suffer for all those years of coal back at the Imperial Orphanage.
Commenting on the strike, UN's North Pole representative Kalle Jugercømmandersson said that "we don't understand this act of unprovoked agression. The North Pole has been weapons-free since 1959, when Timmy the Polar Bear was killed by a drunk seal using a 38." Then, he started sobbing, crying "and we are not little boys! We are little grown men!" out loud.
Lord Darth Vader was unavailable to comment at the time of this report.
(Photo of Santa being taken to an Imperial Shuttle—or something like that—courtesy of Michael Sibbernsen)
Tags: christmas | crime | santa | star wars | stormtroopers
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
doofusgumby
Posted 3:58 PM 16/12/07
@lunarstreaker: "I stopped putting itching powder on my ex-wives tampons." I snorfed.
doofusgumby
jackfrost132
Posted 2:23 PM 16/12/07
"This is not the jolly fat man you are looking for" *waves hand*
jackfrost132
lunarstreaker
Posted 2:23 PM 16/12/07
Dammit!!!! I worked all year to make the 'good' list....and for what? No pandering little boys, no RC camera cars peering up womens skirts, didn't kill one single, bastard, who desperatly deserved it, and, only one (or three) wild, drunken binges. I, even, stopped putting 5W-30 motor oil on the hand-rails, at the 'old folks home'. At great risk to myself, I released a mouse from a trap! I resolved, i would not put 'roofies' in Santa's milk, this year, and real chocolate chips, in his cookies; rather than the traditional hampster effluvulent. I took a bath---at least once, every couple of weeks. I stopped putting the 'out of order' sign on my parking meters. Just last Tuesday, i, already, had three of the lug-nuts off the right front tire, of the ambulance, when i remembered my goal---i replaced them. I stopped putting itching powder on my ex-wives tampons. AND, NOW, YOU TELL ME THE FAT PERV IS GONNA BE IN THE POKEY?????? Life just ain't fair!
lunarstreaker
oakie
Posted 2:01 PM 16/12/07
looks like someone's parents left the spiked egg nog out again.
oakie
ntrgc89
Posted 1:51 PM 16/12/07
@kyanges:
I find your lack of faith disturbing!
ntrgc89
strider_mt2k
Posted 1:42 PM 16/12/07
@jesusdiaz: You know...he's rich.
strider_mt2k
jesusdiaz
Posted 1:26 PM 16/12/07
@discounteggroll: it's the corn flakes. They have funny cartoons painted on them.
jesusdiaz
jesusdiaz
Posted 1:22 PM 16/12/07
@KenK: Last weekend. Santa was arrested last weekend.
He'll be executed on tuesday.
jesusdiaz
discounteggroll
Posted 1:19 PM 16/12/07
JD-what pills did you take prior to writing this story, and where can I get some of them
discounteggroll
youngfiles
Posted 1:13 PM 16/12/07
Now witness the awesome power of this fully-operational toy factory.
This is payback for what the jolly men in red put down the Death Star's chimney back in A New Hope...
youngfiles
kyanges
Posted 1:08 PM 16/12/07
"""Lord Darth Vader was unavailable to comment at the time of this report."""
Wuss. As usual...
kyanges
GizFanAlpha
Posted 12:59 PM 16/12/07
Ah crap, it was a joke. Here I am believing that, I'm such an asshole.
GizFanAlpha
MichaelS
Posted 12:53 PM 16/12/07
@KENK,
The photo was taken at the Strategic Air & Space Museum last weekend.
Great story Gizmodo! Made my day.
MichaelS
MichaelS
KenK
Posted 12:39 PM 16/12/07
Whats with the Air Force SAC logo (Strategic Air Command) in the bottom right corner of the pic? How old is this? SAC was going away when I joined the USAF in 1992!
KenK
Windhawk
Posted 12:33 PM 16/12/07
- And these blast points, too accurate for SnowMen ...only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise
And now we have the photographic proof!
Windhawk
jbhitter24
Posted 12:32 PM 16/12/07
you said 'palpable'! get it? the emperor? star wars? LOLZ!
jbhitter24
Erzengel
Posted 12:26 PM 16/12/07
@Taime: Because there were a lot of elves!!!
Its a basic sci-fi/anime laws, that states that enemy fire only works if they are outnumbered/equal to the number of targets. the moment that there are less targets than enemies, enemy fire will stop working automagically :D.
Erzengel
Le0nidas
Posted 12:21 PM 16/12/07
"He is also a perv, you know," he added, "a guy who goes around his house clad in red velvet and has underaged boys assisting him all day long. Illegal sex? Forced labor? You gotta be kidding. We have the patent on forced labor too. Ask the wookies."
hahaha. This made my morning. It might not be a gadget, but it's a damn funny post.
Le0nidas
Taime
Posted 12:11 PM 16/12/07
So how did these stormtroopers kill these elves if they fail to hit a target a mere meter infront of them?
Taime
bombastinator
Posted 12:09 PM 16/12/07
I can't quite put my finger on it but it feels like there's a homeland security joke in there somewhere
bombastinator
Rekno
Posted 12:08 PM 16/12/07
I thought I got on the wrong website this morning.
Rekno
astrograph
Posted 12:00 PM 16/12/07
haha...
astrograph
nintendude
Posted 5:13 PM 16/12/07
I don't get it.
nintendude
jesusdiaz
Posted 6:13 PM 16/12/07
@nintendude: Sorry. Maybe I should have explained it better. It's not a true story. Only the photo is real.
In case you missed it, Santa actually died quite a few years ago. He broke his neck while trying to get down the chimney at the parent's house of that Gremlins dude's girlfriend.
jesusdiaz
ZonzoMaster
Posted 7:44 PM 16/12/07
There's a spy there, clearly the shortest stormtrooper is some rebel scum in disguise!
ZonzoMaster
That Girl Hates You
Posted 10:32 PM 16/12/07
LOL must share with starwars fanatic friends
That Girl Hates You
M. Schlabach
Posted 10:03 PM 16/12/07
"of this assault and Santa Claus' detention, Mr. Kwazansky pointed out"
What!
First they tell me there is a Santa.
At the age of 23 I figure out there is no Santa.
Now I found that there is multiple Santas.
Now I am a confused young man!
M. Schlabach
AznSmith
Posted 1:03 AM 17/12/07
you could sell this to the onion
AznSmith
whiskey
Posted 2:10 AM 17/12/07
They weren't invading the North Pole, they were overthrowing an evil reign over the Holidays. The Easter Bunny may be next, now that he has spoken ill about the Turkeys and Thanksgiving.
So to summarize, the stormtroopers might be out of the North Pole some day, we just don't know when; they are liberating the North Pole, because of the threat of Weapons of Mass Delightfulness; a video of Santa's trial shall begin after the Galactic Empire gets his mugshot exposed to the galaxy.
Does this song sound familiar?
(In all seriousness, this might as well be related to the incident where Santa saves the Xmas from the Martians, as told by Archives.org)
whiskey
iscangel
Posted 10:11 AM 17/12/07
@jesusdiaz:
Any chance to get pictures or video of that?
iscangel
dufus
Posted 10:04 AM 17/12/07
Maybe it was Santa who taught the rebels to survive on Hoth?
dufus
stonefry
Posted 11:44 AM 17/12/07
There are 7 Stormtroopers in that picture. Don't give me any bull crap about slivers.
stonefry
King of the Wild Frontier
Posted 2:17 PM 17/12/07
You know... one thing that has to be said in the eternal Star Trek/Star Wars debate is that even the Klingon wannabes don't march around in their costumes the way that these "stormtroopers" do at the least excuse. I mean, we know that you probably paid a lot for your shiny white plastic codpieces, guys, but come on.
King of the Wild Frontier
TimeTourist
Posted 2:25 PM 18/12/07
"Don't act so surprised, Claus, you weren't on any mercy mission..."
TimeTourist
Buran
Posted 1:55 PM 18/12/07
@MichaelS: Where's this museum located? I would like to visit it, being an aviation nut.
Buran
Buran
Posted 1:54 PM 18/12/07
@King of the Wild Frontier: Spoken by someone who doesn't seem to have a sense of fun. What, exactly, is wrong with costuming and re-enacting whatever sort of military/historical era/genre fascinates you? War reenactors do it, SF fans do it, etc. etc. and they enjoy it. How is their fun impinging on your day?
I guess other peoples' hobbies have to be offensive and must be quashed at the drop of a hat. Don't like it? Choose your own hobby.
I am surprised, though, that they can carry rifles around and not get in trouble. I'm aware that they're either nonfunctional or are only loaded with blanks (if loaded with anything) but still, doesn't that tend to get SWAT teams chasing you?
Buran
chaoslink
Posted 4:22 PM 17/12/07
What gives? My totally insightful comparison between jawas and Santa's elves never showed up here!
chaoslink
chaoslink
Posted 1:23 PM 16/12/07
You know, there may be something to this. I always thought the Jawas looked a little too much like Santa's Elves in hoods and ski masks. Hmm...
chaoslink
girtherobot
Posted 5:46 PM 19/12/07
"I am surprised, though, that they can carry rifles around and not get in trouble. I'm aware that they're either nonfunctional or are only loaded with blanks (if loaded with anything) but still, doesn't that tend to get SWAT teams chasing you?"
Actually, depending on where the photo was taken, if it's a sanctioned event of some sort it's perfectly acceptable. I'm not certain, but those LOOK like the 165th, a nation wide group that takes their dressup pretty seriously, cool group of guys to hang out with though.
girtherobot
skyone10
Posted 8:40 AM 17/12/07
Santa - may the force be with you...
skyone10
CorduroyBRsp
Posted 7:01 AM 20/12/07
Putz.. coitado do bom velhinho, se quiserem temos aqui no Brasil o PCC e o Comando Vermelho para reintegração de posse e manter a ordem. kkkkkk
CorduroyBRsp